Salmon, Ranked

The ultimate and final guide to all salmon, in order of their usefulness to humanity.

On Sunday, people will gather in Westmoreland Park to celebrate the return of wild coho salmon to the city. Wild coho salmon are great, absolutely, but we are not species-ists here at WW, and we believe all worthy salmon should be celebrated. Here is our ultimate and final guide to all valuable salmon, ranked in order of their usefulness.

8. Chum Salmon

Sure the chum salmon of Hood Canal and the Lower Columbia are listed as threatened under the Endangered Species Act, but these dudebros have fangs, so you better watch out or they might threaten you.

7. Benoît Salmon

Things to like about Benoît: He's French. He used to be a bike racer. He once won the young rider classification in the Tour de France. He is not a fish, but were he one, imagine how high he'd be on this list!

6. Salmon Fishing in the Yemen

Not a great movie, sure, but it does star Ewan McGregor, who is not only as beautiful as a Chinook salmon but smart, polite and Scottish, just like an Atlantic salmon.

5. Salmon-Colored Crayons

Are you looking for a crayon that isn't as ostentatious as lobster pink but isn't as boring as halibut white? Well friend, for you, I have just the crayon. Meet serviceable salmon, the color that should be included in every box.

4. Chinook Salmon

Duh. These guys are also called "King" salmon because they are the kings of the river and ocean. Chinook are big, they are pretty and they are our hometown salmon (they love the Columbia). If you are picking a salmon to be for Halloween, always go for a Chinook costume.

3. Salmon Street Springs

Do you like youthful joy, the distilled essence of summer, and leaping through water much like a salmon heading home to lay her eggs? Then you'll love this famous waterfront fountain.

2. Gravlax

Salmon are pretty and an important part of a healthy ecosystem, yes, but also, salmon are tasty. The best way to eat them is pretty much any way, but best best way is the Nordic way: raw and cured in salt, sugar and dill.

1. Aquaponic Salmon

Someday soon, when the rivers are gone and the pastures are barren, all farming will be done via aquaponics. Salmon will work hard to fertilize our crops and feed us their protein-filled bodies once they are too old to labor in the watery fields. This dystopian future won't be so bad because we'll be full of omega-3s, and soylent green won't be people.

GO: The Salmon Celebration is at Westmoreland Park, Southeast McLoughlin and Bybee boulevards, 823-2525, on Sunday, Sept. 27. 11 am. Free. See for more information.