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Instead, get into the spirit at one of Portland's boozy movie theaters, where you can watch Bruce Willis commit terrorist genocide, witness Santa punish the naughty with an ax, or take a psychedelic odyssey into the '70s, all with a beer in hand. Oh, and there's some genuinely schmaltzy stuff, too, if you're not completely cynical. Ho ho ho!
Christmas in Space
Amid the cocaine and glam rock of the '70s, there was also Christmas. And as your black-sheep uncle can tell you, Christmas and cocaine mix well, as evidenced by this collection of disco-era holiday oddities, which includes aliens, Dr. Zaius and maybe, just maybe, a look at a certain George Lucas-produced Christmas special we shall not name.
Cheer factor: 8. Did I mention the aliens share traits with the Magi? Also, cocaine!
Yuletide message: The Christmas spirit transcends time, space and consciousness.
Hollywood Theatre. 7:30 pm Wednesday, Dec. 10.
A Christmas Story (1983)
Sure, you could watch Ralphie lust after a Red Ryder BB gun on a 24-hour loop on cable, but Scut Farkus' yellow eyes are much more terrifying on the big screen.
Cheer factor: 9. If this movie doesn't make you smile, you have a heart three sizes too small.
Yuletide message: Don't shoot your eye out. And watch your fudgin' mouth.
Kiggins Theatre; opens Friday, Dec. 12. Academy Theater, Dec. 12-18. Mission Theater, Dec. 19-25.
Elf (2003)
Will Ferrell's first headlining role as a man-child in a goofy outfit is still among his best. That's mainly because there's not an ounce of malice in his character, a man who grew up as an elf and then leaves the North Pole to spread cheer to the most miserable folks around: New Yorkers in winter.
Cheer factor: 9. Your mom can't stand Will Ferrell. Your mom loves Elf.
Yuletide message: Be yourself, even if being yourself means wearing tights snug enough to give David Bowie package envy.
Kiggins Theatre. Opens Friday, Dec. 12.
Home Alone (1990)
Long before the Pizza Underground, Macaulay Culkin was obsessing over (cheese) pies in this tale about a crafty young sociopath who basically almost murders two burglars…and learns about love of family in the process.
Cheer factor: 7. C'mon. It has John Candy in a U-Haul playing polka clarinet Christmas songs.
Yuletide message: Cherish your family, because you never know when they'll be gone—probably because child services arrested them for gross negligence.
Laurelhurst Theater and Mission Theater. Dec. 12-25.
Animated Christmas 3
Rudolph and Frosty get all the love, but there are other stop-motion holiday films. Just look at these true misfits, which include A Christmas Gift and The Littlest Angel from local animator Will Vinton, plus a 1985 Kringle origin story based on L. Frank Baum's The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus, which only aired once.
Cheer factor: 6. Even terrible stop-motion Christmas films—which is most of them—give you the warm-and-fuzzies.
Yuletide message: Santa, like all superheroes, deserves a gritty origin story.
Hollywood Theatre. 2 pm Saturday, Dec. 13.
VHSXMAS 2
Scarecrow Video dusts off a series of Christmas videos from an era time forgot: the VHS era. That means weird, poor-quality films about elves, magical Christmas trees and, of course, Mannheim Steamroller, whose music has strangely become a holiday tradition.
Cheer factor: 7. The night contains a "controversial" origin story for elves, possibly made by North Pole Birthers.
Yuletide message: If you hadn't thrown away your VCR when you got a DVD player for Christmas in 1998, you wouldn't be paying to watch this stuff.
Hollywood Theatre. 9:30 pm Saturday, Dec. 13.
It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
You know the story: George Bailey tries to kill himself after getting robbed by an old curmudgeon and then is shown what life would be like if he'd never been born. This results in his wife mistaking him for a rapist. Then he comes back to reality, still poor but not a presumed sex offender. Merry fuckin' Christmas.
Cheer factor: 3. Seriously, this is two hours of misery capped with five minutes of cheer. And the bad guy gets away. How is this a classic?!
Yuletide message: If you see $8,000 sitting on a counter, just take it. You'll be fine.
Hollywood Theatre and Kiggins Theatre. Dec. 19-25.
The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)
Kermit and company offer up the least frightening take on Dickens' horrifying holiday tale…and it's still kind of scary. Not even Gonzo can tone this shit down!
Cheer factor: 8. It's the Muppets, for God's sake.
Yuletide message: Even a harrowing tale of a wasted life can be made better with a bad Fozzie joke.
Academy Theater. Dec. 19-25.
Die Hard (1988)
Trapped in a skyscraper full of Eurotrash terrorists on Christmas Eve, detective John McClane learns the value of life by killing scores of bad guys, in the process winning back the love of his estranged wife and children.
Cheer factor: 10. Yippee-ki-yay, Father Christmas.
Yuletide message: Whether you're looking to rekindle romance or guilt-ridden about accidentally killing a kid, nothing can reinvigorate you quite like shooting somebody in the face while Christmas songs play.
Laurelhurst Theater, Dec. 19-23. Mission Theater, Dec. 19-25.
White Christmas (1954)
In National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, when Clark Griswold spoke of "the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fuckin' Kaye," he was referring to this movie. There's a lot of tap dancing.
Cheer factor: 2-7, depending on your feelings about tap dancing.
Yuletide message: Throw Grandma a bone here. Just watch it with her. She gave you a nice card, and accidentally put an extra zero on that Christmas check.
Kiggins Theatre. Opens Friday, Dec. 19.
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1982)
Basically, it's Friday the 13th. But with a dude in a Santa suit instead of a hockey mask. And more boobs. It's wonderful.
Cheer factor: 1-10, depending on your feelings about naughty people being ax-murdered.
Yuletide message: Santa Claus is watching you. Especially when you're having premarital sex.
Hollywood Theatre. 7:30 pm Tuesday, Dec. 23.
Also Showing:
- The 1982 British oddity The Draughtsmanâs Contract centers on an artist contractedâunder an unusual set of circumstancesâto create 12 drawings of a wealthy coupleâs estate. North Star Ballroom. 9 pm Wednesday, Dec. 10.
- The Hollywoodâs Criticâs Choice series continues this week. On Thursday, Dec. 11, Oregonian critic Marc Mohan presents the obscure Alan Arkin-directed black comedy Little Murders, while on Friday, Dec. 12, KGWâs Shawn Levy screens the Robert De Niro baseball drama Bang the Drum Slowly. Hollywood Theatre. 7:30 pm Thursday-Friday, Dec. 11-12.
- Hecklevision unleashes Theodore Rex, starring Whoopi Goldberg as a cop. From the future. Whose partner is a talking dinosaur. Itâs worse than it sounds. Trust me. Iâve seen it. Three times. Hollywood Theatre. 9:30 pm Friday, Dec. 12.
- Want your kids to stop singing âLet It Goâ? Take them to this surreal, tripped-out 1986 Finnish take on Hans Christian Andersenâs The Snow Queen and tell them itâs the story Frozen is (very loosely) based on. Thatâll shut âem up for a day or two. Hollywood Theatre. 9:30 pm Monday, Dec. 15.
- Portland writer David Walker and artists Mike Oeming and Matt Haley debut their new Shaft comic book in the only way that makes sense: with a screening of Shaftâs Big Score. Hollywood Theatre. 7:30 pm Tuesday, Dec. 16.
WWeek 2015