Dogs are the New Pigs

Ah, the genteel art of truffle hunting. Since Roman times, an enterprising truffle hunter must merely strap himself to a rutting sow of three or four hundred pounds, and then keep worried pace as she hunts down chemicals in the tender white truffle that purportedly mimic the sex cologne of a horny male, which she can sniff within the radius of your average Tinder search.

But now, dogs. Dogs are the new pigs.

As the Oregon Truffle Festival approaches—Oregon truffles being every bit the local growth industry that hemp is—we asked area truffle-hunting experts Jeannine May of Pacific Truffle Dogs and Charles K. Lefevre of New World Truffieres precisely why dogs kick pigs' asses so hard their tails curl up.

 1. Pigs will eat the damn truffles.

OK, so you don't have to spend a couple months training the pig, like you do the dog. And some dogs might eat the truffles, too—though some will drop them at your feet! Nonetheless: Those pigs really, really like the truffles. For sex reasons.

2. Pigs are lazy and have ADD. Just like a bad lover, pigs get what they want and then roll over. "You can't use a pig for half a day," Lefevre says. "They lose interest. While they're very good at finding truffles, they're doing it for different reasons. The dog has a job, while the pig is doing it for their own regard."

3. Dogs are better friends to man. "They're easier to live with, easier to get in and out of your car, and easier to keep," May says. Pigs are huge. "You gotta go over and under logs," she says. "I just imagine them dragging me through the woods."

4. Pigs might bite off your finger. Yeah, that's right. Your finger. You ever seen a British mob movie? You don't want to stick your pinky between a sow and her sex truffle. "The lore is," Lefevre says, "people who use pigs don't tend to have all their fingers." Dogs just don't do that. Why? Because they're your best friend, and your best friend doesn't fucking eat your finger.

5. Pigs are Eurotrash. Americans basically just don't use pigs. Maybe you find this better in some way, the way some prefer soccer to basketball. But maybe you also ate french fries instead of freedom fries the day after 9/11. Oui, comrade?

6. Pigs give away your secrets. Mushroom sites are top secret, and it's pretty hard to hide what you're doing when you drag a goddamn hog into the woods, Lefevre notes, as there's no other reason to have a hog in the woods. And then you know what happens to your prime spot? It gets scoped, and meth-addled biker gangs with rakes roll up on your plot and till the ground and take truffles whether they're ripe or not. "I have a site, rakers go in there and they rake the hell out of the place," May says. "It looks like they've gone in with rototillers." Goddamn rakers. Goddamn pigs giving away the game. Use dogs. Dogs are your friend.

GO: The Oregon Truffle Festival takes place Jan. 15-24. Details available at oregontrufflefestival.com. There will be a truffle hunt with dogs Jan. 17 in Yamhill County, and a truffle-dog competition, the Joriad, on Jan. 21 in Eugene.

WWeek 2015