Skip to main content
Do perching pigeons have motion detectors? Every time I walk under one, its bowels promptly explode on my bald spot or exquisitely manufactured hat. The west side of the Broadway Bridge is like a gauntlet of milky fecal rain. Fuck these pigeons.
—Not Your Statue
"Fuck these pigeons" is not, strictly speaking, a question, Statue, but I'll let it slide in deference to your obvious emotional distress.
If it's any consolation, the pigeons are not exactly defecating on your head. Pigeons make no distinction between Nos. 1 and 2—their digestive and urinary tracts disgorge their products into a single chamber, called the cloaca (Latin for "cesspool").
Pigeons carry this slurry of already-excreted urine and feces around for a while because everything birds do, except flying, is completely disgusting. The addition of urine to the mix helps explain how birds can drop so many bombs in a day.
Moreover, they'll drop the vast majority of those bombs from the stationary, roosting position you've noted. Unlike seagulls, who seem to delight in dive-bombing freshly waxed Miatas, pigeons don't like to crap while flying—apparently, it's difficult for them to do without soiling their own feet.
There's an urban legend that it's literally impossible for a pigeon to drop a midair deuce, but cooler heads suggest the truth is more nuanced. After all, when push comes to shove, you or I could take a shit while driving (don't ask me how I know this)—but it's definitely something we'd try to avoid if at all possible.
Given the difficulty of shedding payload in flight, it makes sense for birds to clear the decks anytime they might have to make a quick getaway—like, say, when a large and terrifying human is passing directly below.
In short, the pigeons shit on anyone they feel threatened by. In this respect, if no other, they are indeed true Americans.
QUESTIONS? Send them to dr.know@wweek.com
WWeek 2015