Skip to main contentPortland's Pride parade has been giving locals a queer eyeful every summer for nearly 30 years. It's as much of a local tradition as Rose Fest and blaming California for all our problems.
But this year Pride Northwest, the nonprofit that organizes the annual event, has a huge job in front of it. Why? It ain't easy to design a weekend's worth of events that pleases every LGBTQ-er in PDX, given the diversity of our local queer culture (and the fact Seattle, Vegas and other cities are seeing their Pride events overrun by budget and growth problems). Our Pride does do its best to reflect a local scene that gets celebrated in Portland almost every day (think Booty and Sam Adams). But let's be honest, this year's roster doesn't exactly provoke the "party girl" in any of us. That includes WW's own queer statesman, Byron Beck, and his young lesbo intern, Chelsea Morrisey. Even though both their last names imply music stardom, they're more obsessed with what rocks the local gay scene than what's happening on the charts. And speaking of charts, these two went head-to-head rating six of this weekend's pride events. Here's what they had to say.
Saturday, JUNE 16
Fun Run
11 am, Waterfront Park. $15/$25 family. All ages. Feel free to walk or run at this gay family-friendly event. The entry fee includes plenty of goodies, including a tee.
Beck: 
Who wants to sweat that early on a Saturday? I'd rather sweat my ass off at Steam Portland (2885 NE Sandy Blvd., 10 pm. 18+) later that night with porn star Matt Cole—the 2007 Grabby Winner for "Best Bottom."
Morrisey: 
"Fun" run? Please. The only way this would be gay (or fun) is if we ran naked and the course spanned three blocks of whipped cream and Jell-O. Which, then again, might happen at the Dyke March (see below).
Pet Parade
12:30 pm, Waterfront Park. Free (pre-registration required). All ages. Dress your pet in drag at this first annual event.
Beck: 
My pets are my children, and it's time they got their own parade. Plus, those dykes who ALWAYS complain about walking our "kids" at Sunday's big parade can finally shut their pie-holes.
Morrisey: I have a hamster and he's straight (at least that's what he "says"). Where's his fuckin' parade?
Dyke March
7 pm, march steps off from Northwest 9th Avenue and Davis Street. Free. The dyke march is open to all women, biological or otherwise. Bring your banner, make some noise, and if you please, lose your top (shirts optional). The Portland Trans March happens at the same time and place and is open to anyone who identifies as trans or trans-friendly.
Beck: Not an expert here, but do we really need a parade where women flap their titties in the wind while they shoot fire out of their vaginas? And now a trans parade? What's next, a questioning parade? I'm confused.
Morrisey: 
Dyke march? Yes, please! I've been waiting to get out of my itchy flannel all year. And what's extra hot is the new addition of my sexy trans friends. HOLLA!
Sat.-Sun., JUNE 16-17
Waterfront Fest
Noon-6 pm, Waterfront Park. Free. "Keep Portland Queer" is a spinoff of the "Keep Portland Weird" campaign. According to Pride NW, the theme "represents queer P-towners who need to have things fresh and independent." The huge event packs in like-minded organizations Basic Rights Oregon and Q Center next to retailers like Under U 4 Men and PaddleDaddy—an online biz selling naughty stuff.
Beck: Oregon Bears? Dunk tanks? And Storm Large and the Balls (performing 5 pm Sunday)? Now that's what I call a festival. Also, I love all the free crap they hand out. I've never seen so much free lube since that one time at church basketball camp.
Morrisey: You're right, Pride NW, it's totally "weird" that you think a Nike-sponsored event is "fresh and independent." If you think "free" neck massages from a queer cuddle creep from Q-LAND is going to get me to join your "fun," then you're on crack. This homo will stay at home, thanks.
Sunday, JUNE 17
Pride Parade
11 am, parade steps off at Northwest 9th Avenue and Davis Street and ends at Waterfront Park near Naito Parkway. Free (pre-registration/fee required). Oregon's third-largest parade winds its way through downtown streets with an expected presence of over 50,000 people. Pull up a chair. Everyone's welcome (often including bigots).
Beck: What gay guy doesn't love a parade? Although, as I've indicated over several years in my column, I may not love every aspect of it (it's more of a freak show than parade for my tastes), it's actually the only time of year when I walk through downtown holding my partner's hand. It's like a shot of love juice, injected right into my soul.
Morrisey: I go for the Dykes on Bikes who kick-start this event with their awesome motorcycles. I have a long-running fantasy of being swept away on a Harley by a butch dyke who looks like Charles Bronson. I figure the Dykes on Bikes are the best gals to fulfill my wish. Any takers?
Stark Street Block Party
Noon, Southwest Stark Street between 10th and 11th avenues. $5. Vaseline Alley's annual "Come Together" block party mixes alcohol, DJs, drag queens and a lot of sweaty bodies.
Beck: The best public spot in town to take a body shot off a stripper's ass.
Morrisey: If I'm going to "come together" with a bunch of naked bodies, the penises are going to be lavender and removable.
[gay + orgasm]
[gay + awesome]
[gay + lame]
[gay + practically straight]
WWeek 2015