Sex

Best Late-night Amateur Porn Studio

Sure, it's flattering that the proprietors of the Ace Hotel (1022 SW Stark St., 228-2277, acehotel.com) built "the country's most original hotel" (according to The New York Times) in Portland, but it's not like you'll ever stay there. Why spend the money just to sleep downtown? Unless, you know, you need a really swanky place to get it on, and in-room turntables and custom Pendleton blankets turn your crank. And if that's the case, why not record the occasion? Take an early-morning trip to the lobby, sneak into the classic photo booth, strip and get a boozy, sweat-soaked keepsake for just $3. If you can't remember their names, you can at least keep their faces.

Best Place to Get Your Java With a Jolt of Something Extra

Sometimes you just need a li'l extra T&A with your morning joe. At least, according to Milwaukie peep show-cum-coffee kiosk Sadie's Hot Spot (17185 SE McLoughlin Blvd., 659-1447, sadieshotspot.com). There's really not much to this bean hut, which offers drinks in different "cup sizes" (get it?): Stumptown coffee prepared by scantily clad girls in a shack dead in the middle of strip-mall country. And, hilariously, given their presumably dude-centric crowd, the drink Sadie's is most often preparing is a white chocolate raspberry mocha (that's kinda like ordering a Midori Sour at Sassy's). Sadie's owner Bobbie Blehm takes the idea pretty seriously, drawing crowds of horny commuters with a team of five girls and daily themes like "Teddy Tuesday" (always a crowd-pleaser, Blehm assures us) and "Fantasy Friday," a "creative" day that's so far ranged from Fishnet Friday to White Trash Day. Ah, Milwaukie—so much to love.

Best Place to Go Stag

At Southwest 4th Avenue and Main Street, Portlanders can ogle one of the nicest racks in Portland. And it's 107 years old. Now officially a historical landmark, the bronze antlers of the Thompson Elk loom over the 300 block of Southwest Main Street between Lownsdale and Chapman squares in the Park Blocks. Former mayor David P. Thompson commissioned Roland Hinton Perry—whose art also adorns the Library of Congress—to create the sculpture/fountain/traffic island, and gave it to Portland in 1900. Apparently jealous, the local Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks refused to dedicate the statue, calling it a "monstrosity of art." To be fair, it did come alive in the 1970s and ransack the 'Couv. It surfaced again in Gus Van Sant's 1991 flick My Own Private Idaho. And more recently, Portland's trendy Ace Hotel took the elk 2-D, commissioning Pendleton Woolen Mills to create custom blankets depicting the statue.

Best Use for Charcoal (Hint: It's Not Meat)

Tired of the same ol', same ol' life drawing? Bored by droopily glum nekkid models? Then it's time to check out Dr. Sketchy's Anti-Art School. Talent doesn't matter at this vaunted institution of learning/burlesque show. Check out hot, naked cabaret models! And then try to draw them! Founded by illustrator and artist's model "Molly Crabapple," Dr. Sketchy's events have popped up (sorry) in nine countries on four continents, including New York, Los Angeles, London, Rome, Tokyo and Melbourne. In P-Town, the Anti-Art School meets every other Wednesday at 7 pm before Xotica Go Go at Dante's (1 SW 3rd Ave., 226-6630, danteslive.com). There are one or two models, male and female, and the price is right for those 21 and over: $6, or $4 for students with ID. And, yes, photos are discouraged.

Best Diane Lane Look-alike

Forest Grove native Audrey Walker auditioned for a supporting role in director Gregory Hoblit's serial-killer flick Untraceable, which was shot here last spring, bringing young talent like Colin Hanks and Billy Burke into town. She didn't get the part—but she got cast as the body double for the movie's star, Diane Lane. So for 12 to 16 hours a day, Walker took Lane's spot for shots that didn't require the famous face. Walker says she doesn't think she looks like Lane, but "when I cut my hair 11 inches, some people said they had a hard time telling us apart from behind or from the side." (Well, that's a compliment...of a sort.) So next January, when you're watching Diane Lane in the shower, you're not ogling a Hollywood star. You're checking out the back of a Southeast Portland actress (who has full roles in the upcoming indie projects Man Maid and The Missed Detail). "Anywhere where you don't see her face," Walker says, "it's probably me."

Best Way to Love the Planet

Being healthy and eco-minded means considering what you put in your body. And that doesn't stop at your mouth, which is why Alliyah Mirza and Jonas Sapienza founded Earth Erotics (eartherotics.com), a Portland-based online retailer of safe and environmentally friendly sex toys. Phthalate- and PVC-free vibrators, seaweed lube, floggers fashioned from recycled inner tubes—everything on EE's site has a minimum impact on the earth and your health, while retaining maximum impact where it counts. Prices hover at the upper end of average (most vibrators cost around $50), but you won't need to worry about cancer of the junk. EE has carved out a niche by marketing to your, well, niches, and it seems to be working, especially in Portland. In its first three months, EE broke $2,000 in sales, mostly thanks to hometown customers, despite not having a storefront. And EE is already edging toward the black, which often takes years for traditional brick-and-mortar retailers. "Portland takes pride in being a green city, so of course we will take environmentalism to bed at night," says Mirza. Save the wetlands!

Best MILF Hunting

Hot mama! With its wading waterfall fountain and swanky Pearl District locale, Jamison Square (810 NW 11th Ave.) has become a haven for sexy soccer moms and fine-ass PTA betties. Surrounded by boutiques and bistros, not to mention the swanky bachelor and bachelorette pads of the recently divorced, the park is a natural habitat for the well-dressed ladies of the Pearl. Because the unique, beachlike landscape makes it a perfect spot for cooling off with the kids (or dogs, which many Pearlites treat like children anyway), it's a MILF-hunter's paradise. "Throw a rock and you'll hit a MILF," says a somewhat creepy voyeur named Gomez, lounging in the park. "But if you hit them with a rock, they won't talk to you." We spotted a whopping 36 potential MILFs in one hour—and that was on a cloudy Saturday. We think the park's namesake, William Jamison, an avid art and sex supporter, would've loved the mix of MILFs in his park—not to mention a few DILFs thrown in for good measure.

Best Name for a Guy with Short Comings and Goings

Can you measure a man by the size of his gun? We're not sure. But National Rifle Association lobbyist Rod Harder (yeah, that's his real name) has an exceptionally awesome porn-movie handle. We don't know if Harder has a permit to carry concealed weapons, but his name makes us interested in getting a look at his...uh...gun. It also prompts us to ask the age-old question: "Is that a pistol in your pocket, or are you just lobbying on behalf of right-wing nutjobs?"

Most Mentionable Unmentionables

Girls who wear their hearts on their sleeves can find no better way to robe their nether regions than with Uterus Undies, created by local accessory line Harvey & Eileen. These pretty panties, the brainchild of Californian-cum-Portlander Amber Brook and local illustrator Jonathan Hill, come in an array of colors with one unique embellishment: an anatomically correct drawing of a lady's reproductive organs covering the place where...well, the place where your lady reproductive organs are. That's right: Never again will your babymaker/moon-cycle moderator go incognito. Shunning modesty and anonymity, these daring delicates (only $10 per pair—and in plus sizes, too!) allow your shy flower to make bold statements like: "I am why you hate yourself once a month," and "Yes, I CAN cradle and nourish a tiny human for 36 weeks!" Even mega crafty website Etsy loves 'em—they featured the panties on their front page. Uterus Undies are perfect wombwear for loud and proud females everywhere...and maybe even an ironic male or two. Ooh la la! Uterus Undies can be found online at harveyandeileen.com or etsy.com. Internet-phobes have two opportunities to pick up a pair this Sunday, July 29: at the Rebel Rabbit Craft Fair (11 am-4 pm at Hipbone Studio, 1847 E Burnside St., 358-0898) or at Summer Handmade Bazaar (Noon-5 pm at Audio Cinema, 226 SE Madison St., 467-4554).

Best Spot to Sleep Like a Starlet

Screen siren Marlene Dietrich once said, "A man would prefer to come home to an unmade bed and a happy woman than to a neatly made bed and an angry woman." Obviously, Germany's bluest angel had never seen the bed in the room that bears her name at the Hotel deLuxe (729 SW 15th Ave., 219-2094). When hotel magnate Gordon Sondland remodeled the former Mallory Hotel last year and renamed it the Hotel deLuxe, he went for a "golden age of Hollywood" theme. Paying homage to the stars of yesteryear, Sondland, like any good filmmaker, magically transformed a former honeymoon suite into the movie-licious Marlene Dietrich Suite. And while most of the trappings of matrimony went bye-bye, Sondland made sure to keep the room's eight-foot circular bed as a way of paying tribute to one of Hollywood's hottest ladies. If you're looking for a way to round out the night after sipping gimlets downstairs in the loungey Driftwood Room, you just might want to take a spin, at $299-$439 a night, on the swankiest bed in town.

Best Buddhists, Part 2

Straightedge Buddhist Strippers isn't just a clever band name, it's a lifestyle. At least, it was for a certain Portland punk outfit's namesake: A former straight-edge Buddhist stripper! Upon meeting Brooklynn, the stripper in question, guitarist Paul Stogner asked, "Wait, let me get this straight: You mean you're straight-edge, you're Buddhist and you're a stripper? That's too good." The previously unnamed quartet asked Brooklynn's permission before going public with its new moniker. You can now catch SBS rocking the shit out of your neighborhood bar (Red Room is the band's favorite) 'bout once a month.

Best Place to Purchase a Pubic Wig

Lori Jackson has answered the age-old dilemma of why men have nipples: to shroud them with her seriously cool custom pasties! Jackson, 30, descended on Portland after growing tired of Seattle's high rent. She wanted to continue performing burlesque, but didn't find any gigs among our artless nudie bars. Instead, she started a new business making custom pasties and merkins (merkins, or pubic wigs, cover the lower bits)—out of clay, vintage threads and peacock feathers, and is now selling them in boutiques worldwide (gothfox.com). Some are shaped like skulls, others like broken hearts, and men make up a good portion of her booming business. Now, why men would ever need an excuse to wear custom pasties or a pubic wig is an entirely other subject.

Best Place to Get Your Gumby On

Right where North Lombard Avenue hits Columbia Park, stomp your feet. Now, stomp again. Hear an echo? Between you and 100 feet of dirt, pipes and ancient Native American burial grounds is the sketchiest place in Portland to make out, or whatever. That's because it's the site of Portland's longest and perhaps most under-appreciated tunnel. At just over a mile long, the Union Pacific Railroad tunnel begins at the northern outlet of the massive Albina train yards, then burrows beneath residential NoPo and ends just shy of Columbia Boulevard. But boy, is space tight. The site is one of the busiest rail corridors in town, and clearance between a train and a body pressed against the walls of the tunnel would be about the size of a Sunday edition of The New York Times. Though we admit lust knows no bounds, this newspaper in no way condones risking your ass for, um, a piece of ass.

WWeek 2015