Singled Out

Love ain't as simple as those saccharine little candy hearts make it out to be. Rarely can Portland's daters be categorized by canned phrases, like "vegan bicyclist" or "ex-con," even though in the snap-judgment world of coupling, those labels affect their chances of making a love connection as much as a nice rack or a receding hairline. As we investigated what it's like to be single in Portland this year, we met individuals whose interests, background and life choices—from grandpas who host orgies to women of God with teeth fixations—that make for both major dating hassles and easy come-ons.

According to Portland State University's Population Research Center, there are nearly 131,000 single or divorced people between the ages 18 and 44 in this city (59.3 percent of the 220,564 total PDXers in that age group). That's enough unattached Portlanders to sell out the Rose Garden for a Blazers game six times over. And it's time you met 13 of them. We even checked on the love lives of a few of the singles we profiled in last year's love and sex package. (Click here to jump right to their updates.) And you thought we didn't get you anything for Valentine's Day this year.

MELISSA KUNDE, 41

MELISSA KUNDE Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to this Portland single.

Compassionate cougar.

In the swamps, grasslands and dry brush country of the Americas, the four-legged cougar, or mountain lion (species Puma concolor ) preys on deer and bighorn sheep. But in the posh, refined concrete jungle, the two-legged urban cougar (species Foxy olderwomanalius ), enjoys a different kind of hunt—the alluring prowl for younger men. Like a fine wine, the mid-aged urban cougar is an adventurous, sophisticated, successful, self-assured, and sexy feline, with a healthy checkbook and healthy dose of past-relationship war stories. Our cougar is Melissa Kunde, executive director of the Portland Area Radio Council. Kunde's marked her territory at the Pearl's Olea, a hotspot listed by urbancougar.com as Portland's premier cougar den. Never been married and proud of it, the lifelong Oregonian and self-proclaimed "ambassador of Portland radio" is a well-traveled, smart, cultured and successful businesswoman who knows what she wants and loves her single life in Portland. LANCE KRAMER.

WW : Do you consider yourself a cougar?
If the definition you're using is a woman from her mid-30s on up, who's single, fiscally sound and self-confident, then yes, I'm a cougar.

Have you dated many younger guys?
I'm 41, and I've dated a 26-year-old, a 25-year-old and a 29-year-old, because I tend to look a little younger than my age. But it just didn't work out. When you walk in their house and they have all their roommates sitting around, and their bed's on the floor, and they have all the stuff out that they had from college. I can't get past that. I have my own place, and my bed is about two feet above ground level.

What kinds of things are you looking for in a guy?
A good sense of humor, confidence, someone who knows how to be a friend, values loyalty and has strong communication skills.

What's the hardest thing about being single in Portland?
Portland men typically don't have a lot of zeal. I say, "You've got to be a man, you've got to step up. You've got to go for the turn-down." We want a guy who's gonna break through the barrier because he's that interested.

Are you single by choice?
Yeah, I'm single by choice. If I wasn't single by choice, I'd be together by choice and hang out with somebody even if I didn't like them. I'd like to meet somebody who's extraordinary, and fantastic, but it really comes down to this—either you're an asset or a liability to my life. If you're an asset, awesome. If you're a liability, it's not gonna work.

Do you have a signature move?
If I really want to meet someone, I find one thing about them, a trait or a characteristic that I think is complimentary. Like, 'I love your shirt, you have a great sense of style.' Or, 'Your eyes are so beguiling.' I'll just say it and walk away. It's sincere. And it usually works. It works really well.

Is it bad for a guy here to be aggressive?
If I use the word "aggressive" in Portland, then it has a negative connotation. If I say "aggressive" in Chicago or New York, it's understood. There's a lot of wishy-washiness here. People stay together too long because they're wishy-washy. They don't get together because they're wishy-washy. Nothing happens because they're wishy-washy.

But you've still lived here for 40 years…
Well, yeah, because I love Oregon. I love Portland. But what you love you can also hate sometimes.

What's the most fucked-up thing that's happened on a date?
The worst is when someone stands you up. You stand me up once, you're finished. That is a non-negotiable. Unless somebody died in your family, and you can show me the death certificate.

Have you ever been married?
No—and that's by choice. It's taken this long to mature into somebody who's ready to be married to somebody who'd be my equal. I would have made a bad choice if I had been younger.

Ever come close?
There's been guys who I've dated who thought we were close. But to me, there was still a Grand Canyon between us.

Do you eventually want kids?
I'm gonna say no, I don't want kids. But never say never. Because if you meet the right person, the chemicals start going crazy, you might lose your mind and say yes. But for right now, things are cool. I've never been one of those girls with the clock.

Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to Melissa.

TROY LAKEY, 36

TROY LAKEY Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to this Portland single.

"One of the first three things that I say is: I was married for three years, I've got two kids and I was raised Mormon. If you have any issues with that, we should probably stop now."

Lakey grew up Mormon in Salem, studied theater education at Brigham Young University, got married right out of college and had a couple kids. He'd be a perfect Mormon father but for one detail: He's gay. After 10 years of marriage he and his wife divorced, and he came out. Now he's juggling his full-time training job, being a father, running his own queer-focused theater company (Key Productions) and dating. BEN WATERHOUSE.

WW : So you're fairly new at this dating thing, right?
Yes. I came out about two and a half years ago, and two months after I came out I met my ex-boyfriend, and we were together for two years. And so I've been out on the dating scene for about five or six months now—and it's a whole new world.

How do you meet people?
Salon Q is a place that I've met some people. They call it a networking event for gay professionals, so once a month it kind of rotates around to different bars. So I've gone to that a few times and met some people there, but mainly it's probably through friends. Someone has a party, and you go over there, and get introduced to a few people. I met someone at a bar, just kind of out dancing. I did create an online profile, and have met a couple people through there, actually.

On what website?
Gay.com. And MySpace actually, too. I met someone on MySpace, and we chatted, and then I saw him on Gay.com. We ended up going out once. Nice guy.

What was it like growing up Mormon and queer?
I dated a lot of girls throughout high school and college. Very short relationships. In high school it often turned into they wanted to have sex, and I would say no, because I'm a good Mormon boy. But the reality was I wasn't that interested. I almost got through college without getting married. When I met [my ex-wife] it was like, maybe I just needed to meet the right person, maybe I was just waiting for the right woman. We actually got along really well, and I actually told her—she was the first person I ever told—that I wondered if I was gay. Before we got married.

What's the hardest thing about being single in Portland?
Coming into it now at this point is, one, finding the time, because I'm working full time—I work for Portland State University, I have my theater company, I'm going to school part-time, and I have my kids half the time. Trying to find time to date, too, is…I make time for that…it is exciting to explore. I've met more people in probably the last four months than I've met in my whole life, in some ways.

Do you have a line?
I don't. What people say works for me is my dimples, so I just smile. I've had someone tell me that I need to turn my dimples down, that the magnetism of my dimples is overwhelming. So that might be it.

Do Portlanders have any weird sex hang-ups?
There are some…I've had a lot of people go, oooh, Mormon boy, and I think there is that, and I probably fit it a little bit. Looks like a nice wholesome boy-next-door on the outside, and they all want to know, so what's the dark twisted stuff on the inside? They're like, are you depraved? And I'm like, well, you'll have to wait and find out, won't you? [laughs] That remains to be seen.

Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to Troy.

ROSE BOTTLE, 23

ROSE BOTTLE Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to this Portland single.

"Are you vegetarian? 'Cause, you know, my toy is made of soy."

When it gets chilly in Portland, the homeless know who to call. What they may not know is that she's only 23. A recent Portland transplant, Bottle works for the American Red Cross, and spends most of her time organizing emergency warming centers. After graduating from a small all-women's college in Virginia, she rented a Conestoga wagon and went west to find her fortune. In her elusive spare time, she sips microbrews, rides her bike through puddles and secretly watches people in coffee shops. JOHN MINERVINI.

WW : What's it like being single in this city?
Isolating. I mean, on Friday nights, I want to go out! But all my friends are having snuggle time with their significant others, so it's like, OK, I'll just cook spaghetti and read a book.

What would you say if I told you more than 50 percent of men in Portland are single?

I'd ask you where the hell they are.

What kind of dating situation are you looking for right now?
Something more long-term, more mature. I guess I'm almost looking to skip over the giddy beginning phase, where you spend every waking second together, where you never leave the house or see your friends.

Do you have a "type"?
I used to—something between nerdy and cocky, as weird as that sounds. But now I'm not sure. I'm branching out.

Once you know you're interested in someone, how do you proceed?
I do my best to turn on the charm and show them why I'm so right for them. The downside is that sometimes I get so focused on making the relationship happen that I ignore potentially serious compatibility issues. Then I wake up six months later, in bed next to the person, and I'm like, what was I thinking?

How can you tell if someone's interested in you?
I can't. I can kind of tell through body language and flirting. But, yeah, a lot of the time I get friendliness and interest confused.

Where does that lead you?
[Laughing] It leads me to get crushes on guys that already have girlfriends, mostly.

What's the worst date experience you've ever had?
Oh, gosh. On a second date, I went to a party with this guy, and he spent the whole night talking to a girl wearing a corset. Her breasts were as big as my head! I told him I was leaving, and he said he'd call me. I laughed and told him it was a no-go.

Has your work affected the way you date?
I'd be lying if I told you I [didn't] start out with negative preconceptions of the people I work with. But it turns out a lot of the guys on the streets are really kind people, and fun, too, and they're just having a tough time right now. It really opened my eyes. If the guy asking you for spare change can be a worthwhile person, then so can the guy scanning your groceries, the guy walking his dog past your house, or even the guy writing you a parking ticket. You gotta be willing to smile and take a risk.

Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to Rose.

PAUL SMITH, 42

PAUL SMITH Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to this Portland single.

He's palled around with Ron Jeremy.

There's just nothing Paul Smith loves more than sex. Which is a good thing, since he runs the Ace of Hearts Erotic Nightclub. The divorced Portland native began swinging as soon as he turned 18 and the law allowed him to do so. And before that, he participated regularly in private orgies with his girlfriend and his buddies. Not that he's an open book. His 21-year-old daughter—who has a child of her own—only recently learned about the nature of Dad's work. Yes, that makes "Pissed-off Paul" (the name he goes by on MySpace) a grandpa. And no, his daughter has never been to the club. When it comes to dating, Smith says being a father and grandfather has made him less selfish. Perhaps his insatiable appetite for 20-year-old girls who enjoy being "spoiled and taken shopping by a 40-year-old guy she calls Daddy" is a product of this learned generosity. His club, the Ace, recently ditched its longtime Southeast Hawthorne Boulevard digs (the building is now home to a sex club named Angels) and rents out local venues for its kinky parties, although Paul says the Ace of Hearts will be announcing a new permanent location soon. JEREMY GILLICK.

WW : What's the best thing about being single in Portland?
Boy, I don't want to say anything weird. Portland has a lot of sexual diversity, so it's always easy to get laid.

Where do you go to get laid?
Sunset Strip [a strip club off Highway 26]—you gotta love a place where you can see a smokin'-hot girl's butthole for only $1!

What do you look for in a girl?
I typically date people about half my age and half my weight.

Have you ever thought about dating a guy?
You know, I wish I co—hmm, how can I say this without pissing off people? I wish I were gay. If I were I'd have more money, I'd dress better and I'd be more popular. Is that offensive?

Does Ace of Hearts throw Valentine's Day parties?
We do. On Valentine's Day weekends. [We've done] a midnight orgy with Valentine's couples.

How many couples were involved?
Over a dozen.

How do you feel about dating people your daughter's age?
Dating women my daughter's age has its advantages and disadvantages. Have I dated some young women who have "daddy issues" or have been in abusive relationships? Yes. I always try to provide an opportunity for the young lady to grow and learn. Currently it provides me a comfortable level of safety. Twentysomething-year-olds are not dating me for life, they are just experimenting.

What do you think about Valentine's Day?
It serves its purpose. Like every holiday, it's been bastardized by businesses. I think people put too much emphasis on one day out of the year to take the time to tell the person who is special in their life that they love them. We'd all be better off if we did that daily instead of yearly.

Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to Paul.

CAITLIN WOOD, 25

CAITLIN WOOD Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to this Portland single.

"Everybody seems so self-conscious here. It's total hipster bullshit."

With her bright red hair and cat's-eye glasses, Caitlin Wood is easy to spot. She's also easy to spot because she's rolling around in a wheelchair. When she was 10 years old, Wood contracted muscular dystrophy. A benefits planner for Oregon Advocacy Center (a nonprofit law firm that works exclusively for people with disabilities), she likes to say—in jest—that she contracted MD from a toilet seat in a dirty public restroom in Arkansas. Moving to Portland from Little Rock in 2000, Caitlin graduated from Reed College in 2005 and now lives in North Portland with her sister and brother-in-law. Her sister is giving birth in about eight weeks, and a cottage is being built in the back of the house for Caitlin so she can help out with the baby and still have her own space. AMANDA WALDROUPE.

WW : How does being disabled affect dating?
It's definitely a factor in meeting people. I think given how we're trained to perceive disability as a negative and as a flaw it can make it more difficult in the sense that maybe there's really shallow people who when they first see me, that's all they see. Which is infuriating. On the flip side, I've had other experiences where it hasn't been a problem, and they see that as a valuable part of who I am. That is hard to find.

What are you looking for in a date/partner?
I'm open to people of all sexes, races, abilities. But the qualities I'm most attracted to are a sense of humor, intelligence, kindness, an open mind. If they're really attractive, that doesn't hurt.

Do you tend to date disabled individuals or fully abled people?
Everyone I've ever dated or had a relationship with has been able-bodied. It was never a conscious decision, like, "I only wanna date able-bodies!" I'm just surrounded by a lot more non-disabled people than disabled people. I'd totally be into dating another disabled person, though. I think that could be really validating. The idea of being with someone who experiences reality in a similar way and just "gets it," where I don't have to explain myself constantly, is really appealing!

Tell me about the last relationship you were in.
The last relationship I was in lasted about a year, and ended a year and a half ago. It was very nice friendship. The best part was we had a lot of the same interests. We did a lot of creative projects together. It was great just having someone to hang out with and be comfortable with, and someone who understood my emotions. We've stayed friends since breaking up. I haven't dated since then.

How does being disabled affect hooking up with people?
I've had some monumentally bad experiences with dating in the past but I've also had some really amazing times where my boyfriend or whoever understood that my disability wasn't a flaw that needed fixing but actually contributes to who I am as a person. And obviously I wouldn't be who I am without it. The bad ones were bad because it's a terrible feeling to be discriminated against, and I'm a very sensitive person. But ultimately it was kind of a blessing because at least I knew what kind of person I was dealing with, and why would I waste my time on some stupid asshole? That said, some times it doesn't even enter into the equation, which is rad. It's just two people relating to each other and I'm not wasting energy analyzing their motives or attitudes.

Are you single by choice?
I'd rather be by myself than with a shitty partner. If that's a choice, sure. I find it really hard to meet people, which is what it ultimately comes down to.

What's your signature move? How do you attract a lady/man/other?
I tend to attract a lot of freaks without wanting to. I'm a freak magnet. I don't know what I'm doing. I just try to be myself. I'm not into any kinds of lines or posturing. I'm not interested in that at all.

What kind of freaks? Give me an example.
There's this one guy, I swear…this was an Internet thing, back in the days of Friendster. This guy would write me these tomes, page after page after page not even really addressing me, but more like he was writing to masturbate himself. I wasn't sure if I should meet him or not. He didn't know I was in a wheelchair. Do I tell him? What do I do? I told him on the phone the night before [we met] and he reacted like a asshole. We met up the next night at the Delta. When he first came in he wouldn't look at me. I thought, OK, I'm going to be nice. He calmed down a little bit. We had a lot in common. I didn't hear from him for a few days. Then he wrote this tiny, cryptic little email, "I do hope you'll write." Obviously, I never talked to him again. It hurt my feelings so much. I ended up seeing him a few times on the bus, but I would give him the evil stare. I can look mean when I want to. He looked incredibly uncomfortable when he saw me. I enjoyed that. His narcissism was off the charts.

What's different about being single in Portland than being single in other cities?
I went to San Francisco with my friend a few months ago, and we went to a bar and some girl just started talking to him. I thought that was super cool. I can't really see that happening here. There is something about Portland that is very reserved and introverted.

How do you know when a girl/guy wants you?
It really depends on the person and how they are expressing themselves. I think it's more acceptable here to be more standoffish instead of being forthright and saying, "I like you." That seems to be uncool. As long as you're jaded, disinterested and aloof, then people love you. As soon as you express an interest or a desire for something slightly more concrete, then it's too scary. I find it really tedious.

What's the most fucked-up thing that ever happened to you on a date?
I went on a date with a 40-year-old once, and I was a very, very naive 19-year-old. We went to go see a movie. And the lights go down and the movie's about to start and he whispers to me, "Why are you in a wheelchair?" He chooses that moment to [elicit] that personal information. I was really surprised. Having my privacy invaded in such a weird way. He was a dick.

Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to Caitlin.

WYATT BALDWIN, 33

WYATT BALDWIN Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to this Portland single.

Vegan bicycle chick.

Portland is known for its eco types, but Wyatt Baldwin puts most to shame. A 10-year vegan who won't even use a clothes dryer, he is perhaps best known for his work on byCycle.org. Started in 2004, this "MapQuest for Bikes" is now a well-known fixture in the Portland biking community. Wyatt, who had moved to Portland in '98 from Oklahoma, returned to PDX in '04 after getting a computer-science degree from the University of Oregon. These days Wyatt works full-time in IT at a local distributor of home electronics and appliances. Recently single, he enjoys mountain biking and cyclocross, and he's currently looking for a regular gig playing drums. JOHN MINERVINI.

WW : What kind of relationship are you looking for right now?
What are my options? I guess there's one side of me that would really like to find something long-term, like, maybe even like, for-evah? [laughs]. But I'm also interested in getting out there and meeting people.

Is it easy or difficult to meet people in Portland?
I've been thinking about that a lot lately. It's difficult for me to meet people, and I don't know why. Maybe I don't smile enough?

Are you high-maintenance?
I don't think so. I do have pretty high standards in terms of open communication. Also, I guess I'd be put off by somebody who didn't care what they put in their body, or didn't care about the environment. But I don't see those as obstacles or high-maintenance—that's just who I'm interested in.

Have you ever dated meat-eaters? How'd that work out?
Over the years I've dated a good mix of vegetarians, omnivores and vegans, though definitely more veggie types. In the short term, it's not really a big deal to me—I'm more interested in whether someone is open, honest and fun. [pause] Long term, though, I'm not sure that would work out. I could probably be compatible with conscientious vegetarians, but maybe not with SUV-driving fast-food eaters.

What was your weirdest date experience?
Does it count as a date if I wasn't really interested in the person? I mean, I've never been totally closed off to the idea of dating guys, but also I've never been attracted to one. Anyway, I was out for a walk in Northwest Portland, and this Egyptian guy in a sedan asked me for directions to Embers, a gay club. I told him where it was, and he asked me if I wanted to go with him. I thought, why not? So I went.

How was it?
It was OK…he kept buying me drinks, but I think he knew I wasn't interested. The whole night ended with a brawl in the street outside the club between gay guys and homophobic hicks from the 'Couv.

So, how are you going to meet your vegan bicycle chick?
I've been looking at joining groups for that kind of thing. There's one called Organic Athletes, where the point is to show that you can eat an organic diet and be in good shape. Also Vegan Bodybuilding. I don't think I would wanna be super-ripped, but it might be cool to be, you know, a little ripped.

Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to Wyatt.

JULIO ARROYO-BURDETT, 36

JULIO ARROYO-BURDETT Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to this Portland single.

Married to the leather community. "So yeah," he says. "I'm single."

Who knows how many gay leather boys the 2005 film Memoirs of a Geisha helped to spawn. However unlikely, at least one curious queer was taking notes. "I was inspired by the grace and kindness and talent of the geisha," says Julio Arroyo-Burdett, who moved from Albany, Ore., to PDX in 2003. "And my friend Andy showed me a website with information on the leather community shortly after," he continues. "The rest is history." But there's much more to this queer, bear-loving Mexican-American fairy than his leather fetish: He's also an accomplished retail sales guy, a self-described "sofa artist" and a former roadie for the hot PDX jam band Sneakin' Out. Arroyo-Burdett, who moved to the United States at 14 from Mexico City, says he's constantly trying to improve himself, to expand his horizons. He gives an example: "I'm still learning how to tie some nuts." STEPHEN MARC BEAUDOIN.

WW : What are you looking for?
I'm not looking for someone identical to me, but I am looking for someone as dynamic as me. I have enough experience not to set any expectations like that—if the mind connection is right, then the rest falls into place.

Who was the last person you dated, and why did it end?
He was a great fucking guy. He wanted to have a kid and I'm not ready for a kid. But we're still best friends. I'm best friends with all my exes.

What is your idea of a great date?
It would be really nice to go to Mount Tabor at sunset time, sit on a blanket, looking out at downtown and having a nice chat. [Or] I've always wanted to take TriMet to the airport, then fly to Mexico City and hang out there and take the public transport, then come back to Portland on a Tuesday. That sounds just great.

Are guys turned off by your being involved in the leather community?
Yeah, they think being into leather is about spanking and torture and whipping…and that's only the beginning!

Are you dating now?
Not really. I've not yet met someone I can hang with that can deal with the leather world. I haven't found somebody I can be a superhero with.

Any special move you make on a date?
Well, people have taught me it's not OK to leave bruises or marks. You can be very intense without hurting—it's a higher level of interaction.

Where do you go to hook up with guys?
Fox&Hounds is a good place. It was recently remodeled—apparently by two queens who shop at Costco. I also go to the Eagle and other venues, and sometimes in cyberspace, places like Gay.com.

What's your physical type?
Bear.

What's a bear?
Well, bear is as bear does. Classically it's big, strong, hairy men: four words. The beard is a nice bonus.

Is there a special Portland come-on or move you've encountered?
Well, guys here seem obsessed with rush! [Rush is a form of "poppers" popular in the gay community—an amyl nitrate inhalant that provides a quick high.] It's a high-maintenance drug, and it inhibits the experience. Also, I understand the way we treat each other has made us really tough: the interplay, the cattiness, it's just a tool to make us stronger.

What turns you off about the Portland gay guys?
I'm turned off by my brothers who are like sisters. I like a more tough, outgoing attitude.

Has being Mexican-American affected your dating life at all?
Absolutely...it's made me realize that I'm not colorblind, and it's made me be aware of who I am and my background and my culture...it's had a very positive impact on my dating. I'm very local, but I have an exotic quality about me.

Tell me about a really fucked-up date you've had.
[Laughs] I should tell you about the pie guy. OK, he has this fetish, that in order to get off he has to throw a pie at your face. I met him through Gay.com, and the whole pie experience happened at his place. It was fantastic. For him to climax he throws a pie at you.

Are we talking lemon meringue or French silk?
Neither…[laughs] it was just an unbaked pie shell with whipping cream inside. It tasted pretty good.

Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to Julio.

SABRINA “SABBY” LOUISE, 35

SABRINA LOUISE Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to this Portland single.

Your committee or mine?

Since she moved here from Michigan on her 30th birthday, Sabrina—who goes by "Sabby"—has made her mark on spiritual Portland. In 2002, she founded the Church of the Younger Fellowship, a specialized online ministry for Unitarian young adults, ages 18 to 35. She never expected it to amount to much, but these days, the CYF includes hundreds of members in the U.S. and abroad, for whom Sabrina is something of an icon. Unitarian Universalism isn't the only thing that gets her fired up—she's also into sustainability, electronica and poker. During the day, Sabby works at a custom framing company. At night, if you're lucky, you can find her performing sign language to pop music, slightly buzzed at the Goodfoot. JOHN MINERVINI.

WW : Is it easy or difficult to meet people in Portland?
Totally easy.

Really? What's your secret?
Get this—I have a farmshare. You wouldn't believe how easy it is to meet people there. Every other Tuesday, when I go to the pick-up spot, there are all these good-looking, in-shape, organic people, and they care about local agriculture. Damn, right? Also, I like to play poker, and I meet a lot of people that way.

What do you look for in someone you date?
A Unitarian! [laughs]. I mean, if not a Unitarian, someone who can still believe in Unitarian principles. The inherent worth and dignity of all people, the interdependent web of life—those are two big ones for me. Also, someone with a little bit of an edge. They have to have been around the block a few times.

Wait…you're religious, right? Aren't you waiting for marriage?
Hell, no! While abstinence may be right for some people—the religious right, for instance—my Unitarian Universalist faith allows me to support a sex-positive culture. Whether it's monogamous, polyamorous, open, closed, of mixed gender or orientation—love is love, right? I'm all about that.

I hear you've dated on Craigslist...
It works! I mean, know that people have bad experiences, random hook-ups, whatever, but I have been very fortunate. Several years ago I met a guy there, and although things didn't quite work out romantically, we have remained very good friends. We spend every Thanksgiving together. Also, Craigslist is what got me to Portland. I was in Michigan getting ready to move here, and that's how I found my apartment.

What's an absolute deal-breaker for you?
Well, in the short term, it's definitely teeth. I mean, if you can clearly tell that they're not taking care of their teeth, there are probably other things in their life they're not taking care of. Definitely teeth, because you're gonna be hanging out in their mouth.

And in the long-term?
Badmouthing an ex. Come on. I think you have to be able to appreciate what's good about a relationship, even if it ends badly.

Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to Sabrina.

ALEX PLATTNER, 18

ALEX PLATTNER Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to this Portland single.

He's a Lincoln High School senior.

There is no cruder approach to dating and sex than that of the teenage boy. Most high-school males are on a hormone-induced crusade to defile our daughters and sisters. The rare nice guys are trampled under the stampede to get laid and, bruised and virginal, banished to the social hinterlands. Or so we thought. WW has discovered not all these young men are concerned solely with titty mags and "that's what she said" jokes. We've found an example of that rarest of breeds: the sensitive 18-year-old guy who—here's the weird part—is successful with women. ETHAN SMITH.

WW : Where do you meet women?
At school.

Of course. Bars aren't really an option. What are you looking for in a date?
A sense of humor, definitely, intelligence and looks.

Tell me about the last relationship you were in.
It was good, pretty long-term. It was my first serious relationship. We're still friends...[it] just didn't really work out. It was a mutual decision.

What did you learn?
Honestly, that I'm pretty young to have a really serious relationship.

How long before you started to date again?
I'm currently on a break. It only ended two months ago.

Have you ever hooked up with somebody who had already hooked up with one of your friends?
Um, yeah I have. There's not really a story behind it. It wasn't a big deal. Things just kind of go like that in high school.

Where do you go to get laid?
I have no idea how to answer that.

How do you try to attract girls?
Generally I just let them come to me. I just try being a pretty nice guy.

Does that work?
Yeah, it seems to.

High school has changed. What's your signature move?
Sensitivity.

That's the gayest shit I've ever heard, Alex. How do you know when a girl wants you?
You usually hear something through the grapevine. It's never that obvious.

What's the most fucked-up thing that ever happened to you on a date?
I haven't had a girl do anything terrible. I'd have to say the horrible things random guys have said walking past. That's happened a few times.

What did they say?
I was a date, walking down the street, and this guy coming toward us says to the girl, "You're looking fucking sexy tonight." He was one of like five drunk frat boys. What was I going to do? It was a pretty awkward situation.

What do you really think of Valentine's Day?
I don't think many people my age take it seriously. With my girlfriend, it was more of an excuse to do something, go to dinner or something, that we wanted to do anyway. At Lincoln they do this thing where you can buy a "lovegram." There's a list of songs you can choose from. You give them a name and student volunteers go to the person's class and sing your song to them.

Speaking of singing, you have a band called Electric Lunch. Does that work with the girls?
We're working on it. So far we have a pretty limited fan base. But I'm looking forward to the many chicks that we'll attract in the future. We were on KBOO recently, but I just tell girls my band was on the radio.

What's the socially acceptable age difference in high school?
My last girlfriend was a year younger. I think that's fine. But it's a little weird when dudes start going two grades lower. And there're always those sleazy seniors who date freshmen.

What do you expect dating to be like in college?
I'm hopefully going to the University of Washington. Since it's so big, I hope to meet a lot of different kinds of girls. I'm looking forward to getting out of the limited scope of high school.

Did you pick your school based on the girls?
Well, yeah, sort of. I like the idea of a big school. There'll be plenty of girls there, as opposed to some little liberal-arts school in Iowa or something.

Do Facebook or MySpace play a role in dating?
Yeah, but not for me. I have a Facebook page, but I personally think it's pretty weird when guys start hitting on girls on there. I'm not big on meeting people virtually. But people definitely have those "wall" conversations that are total flirting.

Would you say you're an old-fashioned guy?
Yeah, I guess so. I wish more people dated casually. Dating is definitely dying out. It seems to be you either have a steady girlfriend or you just hook up. You either meet a girl at a party or you're going out without her.

Why are you more mature than me? Wait—don't answer that. Here's a better one: True or false, if there's grass on the field, play ball.
Definitely true. No doubt.

Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to Alex.

STEVE MCCARTNEY, 42

STEVE MCCARTNEY Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to this Portland single.

His rap sheet.

The result of a '60s romance between a 15-year-old girl and a Vietnam vet, Steve McCartney grew up in the well-to-do Portland neighborhood of Eastmoreland. But drugs and car theft earned the Franklin High School dropout-turned-cabinet builder five stints in Oregon's prison system. Last released in May 2006 after serving 31 months for UUMV—unauthorized use of a motor vehicle—a crime he says he didn't commit, he now fixes houses for a wealthy Nob Hill developer who pays him in cash. But the 10 years he spent in jails all around the state restrict his post-prison life like a set of handcuffs. His criminal record makes it almost impossible to find a job with medical benefits, and it's difficult for him to meet people who don't judge him for being an ex-con. Still, he's a lover and a fighter: In his free time he draws, a talent he discovered in jail while trying to keep his mind off of all the prison talk, and plays music. And, ladies, he's interested in all sorts of women. JEREMY GILLICK.

WW : How did you end up in jail?
Drugs and a deep passion for excitement. There was a point where I was working and still stealing cars. I could get into any car. It was just an excitement issue for me. I've been in every institution in Oregon except for two. Nightmare. Buses and handcuffs, buses and handcuffs. I'm proud to say the two institutions I didn't end up in were the worst ones.

Did you ever date while in jail?
No. I guess it was possible, but I never did.

How could you meet girls?
Either in the institution, or you could do dating services. The prison system has a mail-order service—you can sign up for $10 a month. It's a way for prisoners to get mail, too. There's nothing worse than sitting in prison alone with no family and getting no mail. I was fortunate enough to have a few family members willing to write me.

Did you ever consider dating a guy?
Never. If you're a homosexual in jail there's two ways to go: You're either gonna get real close to a big guy or you're gonna be in protective custody because people like that will get picked on, killed, extorted.

What do you look for in a girl?
Honesty and respect. Fucking honesty. I want a woman that's gonna treat me the way I treat her. That's it in a nutshell. You can call it what you want to call it. I treat a woman with as much respect as I can fuckin' tolerate or she can. I just want what everybody else wants.

Did you ever feel like girls judge you for having been in jail?
Absolutely. I am famous for spilling it all out and trying to scare you off. You either know me or you don't. I have been judged, but I really don't give a fuck because I am who I am and I will be what I'm gonna be. And I'm comfortable with that.

What was your best Valentine's Day date?
I've had tons of fucking valentines. Valentine's is my day to shine. I love women and that's my day to show how much I love them. Best Valentine's Day is just getting hold of every girl that I've been dear to and either call them or say something to them or give something to them. There was one year that all my girls got a little something. It ain't for me, it's all about them. That's why being a Sagittarius sucks. You know what I mean?

What do you think of Valentine's Day?
It's the only fucking holiday I really enjoy. It's the only holiday that I can express myself to the girls I care about. That's it. Thanksgiving and Christmas are blown out of proportion. The cool thing about Valentine's Day is that it just sneaks up on you.

Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to Steve.

CHRISTINE LEWIS, 23

CHRISTINE LEWIS Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to this Portland single.

Having time for friends.

"Happy hour?" Christine Lewis says to me, when I suggested meeting up at the Delta Cafe for an interview. "Yeah, that'd be great." She sounds kind of surprised and confused at the prospect of social time; she works, after all, 75 to 85 hours a week managing the campaign of a House district in inner Southeast Portland. Christine graduated from Reed College in May with an anthropology degree, and when she talks about grad school, she waves it away and says, "Meh." Having moved to Portland from Dallas in 2003, she likes living here because "cool shit is always going down." AMANDA WALDROUPE.

WW : Where do you meet women/men/other?
I used to go to school for that purpose. I don't go out of my way to meet people. I do what I want to do with friends and by myself, and if I meet nice people that's an added bonus. If I'm hanging out someplace where I want to be, chances are people there are going to be compatible with my style, my personality, my interests.

Are you single by choice?
Yes. I work somewhere between 75 and 85 hours a week. In my free time I prefer to build friendships, because I have a lot of good friends. Keeping good friends is more important to me right now.

How do you try and attract people?
Well clearly, I try not at all. I shower regularly. I try to be friendly. Sometimes when I engage in conversation with people I like, I try to be provocative and challenge an opinion they have. Not to play devil's advocate, but to show I care about their opinion or their thought process behind it.

What's the most fucked-up thing that ever happened to you on a date in Portland?
The worst thing that happened to me I did to myself. It must be noted that this was early on in my college career. I managed to drink a lot. Because I enjoy that. And I brought a girl home with me. I wasn't feeling well, and basically projectile-vomited across her. I went to the bathroom and continued to projectile-vomit, into the toilet. The girl was on her way toward leaving when I came back in. I proceeded to take out my carpet cleaner and scrub away [at the carpet]. Then I passed out. I gave away the carpet in the next year, to another girl who was looking for a carpet.

What's a ubiquitous Portland come-on?
Other than cigarettes, coffee and a band I haven't heard of? Maybe, "It's cold and wet outside, we should keep each other warm," or, "Let's go read some books and snuggle." It's kind of cute when you think about it.

Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to Christine.

DAVE DEPPER, 27

DAVE DEPPER Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to this Portland single.

More time to spend playing in three bands!

Sometimes an ugly breakup can drive a musician to creative highs (Bob Dylan's heartbreaking Blood on the Tracks ) or all-time lows (Britney Spears?). Luckily, local musician Dave Depper, who says that he's still friends with 90 percent of his ex-girlfriends, is too busy to worry about all that. Depper plays bass for three of Portland's best bands: noisy folk ensemble Norfolk&Western, chamber-folk octet Loch Lomond, and the laid-back pop of Graves. I caught up with Depper an hour before Loch Lomond's set at the Funky Church in an attempt to pick the dating mind of a Portland indie-rocker. MICHAEL MANNHEIMER.

WW : What's it like to be a single musician in Portland? Do you ever find it awkward to interact with someone who knows you from the bands you play in?
I guess the way I approach that is I really don't tend to bring it up. I actually haven't had that much experience with people knowing right away; if I tell them the bands I'm in then a lot of the times they know about it but I usually don't bring that up unless it comes up.

Have you ever name-dropped one of your bands as a come-on?
I think in college I would have done that but I wasn't playing much music. I was guilty of being the guy who sat outside the dorm room with a guitar but I'm afraid that was using music for the power of evil. Definitely here it's not something that I name drop.

What would you consider a good night out?
I'd say the most important thing is the lack of awkward conversation. Easy conversation will make any date good no matter what the setting. I guess a lot of my most successful dates have just involved drinking to the point where we aren't awkward around each other

What's the easiest way to start a conversation with a Portlander?
I dunno, bitching about something always seems to work! The woeful economy or our woeful weather are definitely good things to bitch about. I guess at a show it's always easy to say, "God, this is the best I've ever seen this band" or, "Did you catch the opener?" or something like that. "Can I buy you a drink?" is always convenient.

What's the most messed-up thing that's ever happened to you on a date?
I'd say the strangest thing that happened to me on a date was, a couple years back this girl had written to me on the Internet, so I decided to on a blind date with her. We got to the place and before we had even said a word to each other than hello she whipped this beer coaster out of her bag and slammed it down on the table and said that it was "the buzzer," and that its purpose was when the other person said something that was totally lame, you could buzz them and make them take it back. She instantly launched into this 30-minute-long story of her whole life where I couldn't even get a word in, and she got done telling the story and said, "So, tell me something about yourself," and I was like, "What do you want to know?" and she said, "Whatever." OK, I work as a software developer, I have a cat, I'm a musician—and she buzzed me right at that. I was like, "What was that for?" and she said, "Oh, you're a musician—how pretentious of you." I told her three pretty generic things! And after that I was buzzing her left and right.

So, no second date?
Strangely enough we did, but it didn't really go anywhere.

What are your true thoughts on Valentine's Day? Just some corporate nightmare?
I definitely don't pretend that it's not a corporate, capitalist holiday, but I also think there is no reason to hate on happy couples enjoying being happy couples. Whenever I'm in a relationship on Valentine's Day we do stuff, and if I'm not, I don't hate people that do. The nicest thing I ever did on Valentine's Day was when I was in college I blindfolded my girlfriend and baked her snickerdoodles and drove her to the top of this romantic butte and we, uh, ate snickerdoodles. I'm pro-Valentine's Day.

Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to Dave.

ADAM DYER, 42

ADAM DYER Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to this Portland single.

His imagination. Or on the cruise ships that he works for. Underwear optional.

Yeah, he shared the stage with Tony-winning diva Audra McDonald on Broadway in the musical Ragtime . And sure, he's a multilingual Princeton alum. But Adam Dyer, who moved to Portland from Boston in 2006, doesn't want those august accomplishments to overpower what he claims is his "basic packaging." "I'm granola," he says, "in a Tiffany bowl." As a cruise director for Holland America Cruise Lines, the New York native spends just over half the year at sea (mostly cruising to Hawaii and back), and half in Portland, which seriously cuts into his time for amorous adventure. Not that's he's not looking. It's just that this gay, athletic-bodied singer-dancer's looking for perfection, guys, and he's not about to compromise. STEPHEN MARC BEAUDOIN.

WW : Best thing about being single?
Ha! I'm supposed to put something positive on that? Umm, I don't think there's anything very good about it. I travel a lot, and it is a lot easier being single with as much as I travel.

What are you looking for?
You got two hours? I actually have a little list, I've written it out [he starts up his computer and opens a file]. There we go, here's the list: beautiful face and body, athletic, artistic, intellectual, multilingual, musical, romantic, loyal, committed, adventuresome, well-traveled, not fussy and—these last three are most important—not intimidated by me, spiritual and out of the closet.

Wow. Good luck finding all of that.
The first few are so easy to find it's crazy. Those last three have been the make-or-break of every single relationship I have. I'm a basic person with basic packaging, but the other things come off pretty fancy. People are intimidated by the fact I went to Princeton—that alone sends people running, or they get this whole picture of who I am and what I stand for. Also, having worked on Broadway and all of a sudden people are like, "Who the hell are you?"

Hardest thing about being single?
The hardest thing is not being here all the time. I'm out of town all the freakin' time, and I hate it.

Tell me about the last relationship you were in.
Because he lives in PDX and he's very well-known, and we still live together, I can't talk about it. I actually haven't started officially dating again yet, but I do want to....

What would a great date with Adam Dyer be like?
I will never, ever get it: It would be drive up to the mountains to go skiing, and laugh and laugh and laugh—that, to me, is a perfect date. Not to feel sexual pressure, but to feel that attraction, and the titillation of attraction, but to not have to go to bed.

Do you have a special move you make on a date?
Like my special hand-flip? [laughs] It's not so much I have something that I do, though I have withheld information about myself because it scares people. I don't do this anymore, I lay it all out on the table.

Where do you get laid?
On the ship, mostly.

Is there a special Portland move or come-on you've encountered?
Gay men in Portland have a tendency to clique themselves: It's about being "in the club," and it's a little strange, if you're a part of a little circle and you're floating outside of a little circle, it's really hard to be taken seriously, or to be taken as something other than a trick. It seems also that, in those circles, everyone has slept with each other, which I hate. It's so incestuous; everyone's trying each other out.

Any special attire for dates?
I'm really particular about the underwear I wear on a date, if I wear any at all—God's honest truth. I will wear underwear that makes me feel sexy, or I will wear none, period. I usually opt for none when I'm on a date, isn't that silly?

How do you know when someone's into you?
I don't, I have no clue. I never know if someone's into me. I mean, if we're laughing, then I'm having a good time.

Fucked-up date story?
I had gone on a date, we'd had a lovely time, this was a young guy, this is in L.A., and I was sharing with him some frustrations about the dating scene in L.A. He said to me, point-blank, "You're not the kind of guy to date, you're the kind of guy to sleep with." And that was the end of the date.

What will you be doing on V-Day in Portland?
I don't know, I don't know…I honestly don't know. I will probably, I might find a way to go the mountains for that day, and ski, probably do something nice for myself. I'd love to do it with somebody. My cousin has a 15 or 16 years-running anti-V-Day party, an enormous party in NYC, and I'm one of the biggest supporters of it. We don't spend enough time acknowledging the good stuff in life, I do think it's—like a lot of the holidays in the states—kind of become overdone.

Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to Adam.

JOEL GUNZ, 41

JOEL GUNZ Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to this Portland single.

The bar tab is always split fifty-fifty. That way, Gunz says, he can drink all the Elijah Craig bourbon he wants—especially during happy hour at his favorite (secret) North Portland dive bar.

Bald, bespectacled and intense, Joel Gunz is an ad copywriter and single dad who usually finds his dates online using Craigslist and Match.com. But this North Portland resident finds that most of the women who respond to his ads are not parents themselves, even though he makes a habit of mentioning his 7- and 16-year-old kids in every post. The Portland native estimates he's been on about two-dozen first dates in the last year, and of those, only about three or four have turned into second dates. Why's that? "I'm just very selective," he says. DEEDA SCHROEDER.

WW : How does having kids change dating?
Having kids makes me consider any person I might date very seriously. I have to think about not only how they treat me but also how they will treat my kids. I don't introduce them for six months, so my kids haven't met anyone I'm dating yet.

What kind of people have you met on Craigslist?
Craigslist has been very good for meeting people and making long-term friends, but you have to do a lot more screening (than Match.com), because there are a lot of people who don't meet my basic requirements.

So, you're saying there are a lot of crazies on Craigslist?
I really did date a girl who would not only talk with her cats but would argue with them, too.

How long did you date her?
About two weeks…or maybe a week and a half.

What would really knock your socks off for a first date?
Well, physical attraction is a must. I don't really have a type—but intelligent, articulate, and how she carries her baggage. I would like to see that she is indeed carrying it and not expecting me to carry it for her. That can be hard to find out on a first date.

Any deal-breakers?
If she's out of control financially.

Describe a recent come-on you've experienced in Portland?
The other night at Edgefield I met a girl who works as an optometrist and she criticized me for wearing the wrong size glasses. Then she came over and rubbed my ears and the back of my head. I'm thinking maybe I should put off getting my glasses fixed.

Did you take her home?
No. Sorry to be so boring.

How do you know when a girl wants you?
I tend to miss a lot of come-ons, so I often don't know when a girl wants me until, like, hours later. And then I'm like, "D'oh!" But if she brings up the topic of sex, or if she touches me playfully on the arm, then it's a pretty good sign that she wants me or is at least considering the possibility. But then again, I'm not sure what she wants me for—a roll in the hay? A long-term commitment? She wants to have my baby? What? How am I supposed to know?

;So where do you go to get laid?
Where are you getting these questions? I don't go anywhere to get laid. I'm just not a casual-sex kind of guy. Not to say I haven't done it. But seriously—it's very rare for me. I've dated quite a number of girls, but I'm not that sexually active.

How about when you might be interested in approaching someone who you see at a bar?
Well, there are a lot of creative people in Portland. And what I've noticed is that they're all sitting around waiting to be noticed. There's this attitude that "I'm to cool for school," too cool to get out there and introduce themselves to each other. It's really a thinly disguised hipster image. So instead, even if I feel shy, I still try to say something anyway. You just have to step out of your comfort zone a little bit and be willing to be dumb.

What catches your eye in women's personal ads?
On Match.com there are two things I've been seeing a lot of lately—"Last book read: Eat, Pray, Love [by Elizabeth Gilbert]" and "Looking for: confidence in a guy." It seems like 90 percent of women are listing these two things, so I try to steer clear of those ads. But I do wonder if there is a male equivalent of that book, especially. I would call it Belch, Scratch, Fart.

Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to Joel.

RICK RIAZ, 33

RICK RIAZ Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to this Portland single.

Rick has separate colognes for Friday, Saturday and Monday, to match his moods for those days. His "signature move," however, has not been working too well here in Portland, he says.

Computer engineer Rick Riaz describes himself as a metrosexual, but his attention to style hasn't stopped him from feeling like he's been passed over by the few available women in Portland. Oddly enough, Riaz, who moved to Portland from Washington, D.C., last June says he thinks it's because he makes an ample salary and takes his career in the health-care industry too seriously. "Money is the last thing I worry about," says the Pakistan native, whose voice still retains a bit of a lilt although he moved from his homeland to U.S. for college back in 1993. DEEDA SCHROEDER.

Do you have to confront stereotypes about Arab men when dating in PDX?
Sure. When I meet someone, as soon as the ice breaks it is usually the first question—"where are you from?" I often turn that back on them and ask them to guess, and most people think I'm Middle Eastern. What people don't realize is that Pakistan is in Asia, and I identify myself as Asian. I am not Middle Eastern or Arab.

How does that change the way you date, if at all?
For me, not in the least. I do the same things as everyone else here. I am not religious at all, and my family back in Pakistan, while they want me to get married, don't have any expectations about who she'll be, either. She could be black, white, Jewish, anything at all. They're very open and welcoming that way.

Where do you meet people in Portland?
I've been having problems meeting women in Portland, to be very honest with you. If I had known that before I moved here, I probably wouldn't have come. But, to answer your question, Timbers games, live shows at places like the Rose Garden, bars like Lola's Room, Blitz Bar, or shooting pool at the Blue Moon.

How about online?
I recently created a profile with Yahoo personals and Plenty of Fish [another dating website], but I'm not too excited about that.

What are you looking for in a date?
I want someone to explore with, check out the area, concerts…an activity partner. You know—just go with the flow to begin, with no specific expectations.

Are you single by choice?
No. I would prefer to have a girlfriend. One of the reasons I stopped traveling with work was to settle down, buy a house and work on that. But as soon as I starting thinking that way, everything changed. I just don't think there are too many people out there in that category.

Why do you think that is?
I've found Portland to be one of those cities where it's OK for a guy to live in Mom's basement, without a job, hibernating during the winter, drinking PBRs. Then there are the guys who are in the corporate world, with goals, and a career, and something that they're working toward, and that's considered very negative here. Making money is a detriment.

Really?
I know it's true. I've been interested in a woman, and her friend told me she wasn't interested because I was too dedicated to my career.

Wow.
Yeah I guess generally it's because a career-oriented man wouldn't be able to give her the kind of attention a man in mom's basement could give her.

Do you have any other examples of dating in Portland?
Well, one woman I went out with had a freak-out over the kind of shampoo I was using, because she said it killed salmon. She asked me if I would throw it away now that I knew, and I said I'd buy a different kind next time, after I finished the bottle. After I said that, her personality totally changed, and the date pretty much ended there.

What does that say about Portland?
Well, my car has been egged before [not by a date], and they left a note.

What did it say?
Oh, they called me a gas-guzzling, corporate, evil war supporter.

What kind of car is it?
A 2005 Mercedes S class. I traded in my Hummer before I moved here, but now I'm ready to just drive a FlexCar. I probably drive about 10 miles a month, and that car is a bad-luck car.

Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to Rick.

RAINA PAGE, 33

RAINA PAGE Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to this Portland single.

A country drive on one of those rare beautiful Portland days…not a bar where you're gonna run into 800 people you know.

Raina Page is all about keepin' it in the neighborhood. She'd rather grab a beer at Beulahland and discuss her favorite font (Helvetica) than grind ass at some club. Blessed with a gravelly-velvet voice that spouts forth opinions on everything from indie rock to football, the Roux server moved to Portland four and a half years ago with her ex-boyfriend after attending art school in Southern California and Scotland, but she's an old hand at the Beaver State. She actually grew up, in part, in Southern Oregon, as one of the only black kids in Grants Pass, a small town where she and her dad moved in 1991 so he could worked with the Grants Pass-based Foundation of Human Understanding. So, religious sects and rednecks she can handle. Black men, it turns out? Now, that's a touchy subject. KELLY CLARKE.

WW : Tell me about your last date.
We had drinks and saw Juno . [Then,] after we had an adult sleepover, the guy mentioned that he had to get up and leave because my snoring was keeping him awake and he had to work in the morning. I've definitely had more disasters than successes.

Wow. Is that normal?
In Portland, either you meet somebody and have a couple beers and move in the next day, or you'll go out and have dinner and never hear from them again. I moved up here with my ex-boyfriend [they had broken up but were still close friends]. Within the year, he met a woman and got married. It's either a perfect success or an absolute goat-fuck.

How many people have you dated in the last year?
About five. But nothing serious. I've come to a space where I'm actually quite happy being single. I'm surrounded by wonderful people, amazing friends—that support group makes it really easy to be single here and flourish. I know if I can find friends like that here, I can eventually meet somebody who loves me…and wants to have sex with me, too.

Yeah, when is the last time you had sex? Crazy anti-snoring guy?
Uh-huh. I try and keep it to every four months or I go nuts.

So Portland's a good town to hook up in? Where?
Beulahland, because it's a neighborhood type place. I would never suggest a big rowdy bar, any of those places that thump when you go outside, because you'll go home with a jackass and an STD.

In terms of dynamics between men and women, how is Portland unique?
A lot of the men I've met are more passive in their approach. I mean, the women that I meet here are a lot more well-rounded and they have the ability to get and do what they want. So men don't have to put in much effort. To me, that's a big turnoff. I'd rather be pursued than pursue someone. [Being] direct is very attractive, and I don't see a lot of that here…with straight men. Most of the more masculine and direct men I meet [in Portland] are gay. [Laughs] A lot of straight men in Portland could take a lesson from the gay men in Portland. Grow a pair.

How does the dating dynamic change when you're a black woman in Portland?
Ahh…[deep sigh]. Honestly, most of my [musical, artistic and cultural] tastes aren't shared by the majority of black people in Portland. There is a cultural divide between me and people of my own race. So I tend to hang out with white people. The shows I go to, like Caribou, everybody's white. I think that in those circles being black, you're somewhat of a novelty, and it's difficult to be taken seriously.

So, what does that make guys who date you?
[Sometimes] I call them tourists . I've had people blatantly tell me they couldn't take me home to their parents. As progressive as the city is, there's still a very provincial mindset.

Do white men in this town treat you differently than they'd treat a white woman?
Yeah. They treat me as something that is gonna be temporary. If they met a white woman with the same…skill set, I don't think they'd have any problem considering a longer-term relationship. In San Francisco (I was a lot younger), this was never an issue. It's so diverse; in your group of friends you have every color under the sun. Here, people definitely have a cultural expectation of me, because they just don't have a lot of experience dealing with a lot of people of color in their inner circles.

What's the Portland stereotype of black women?
That I'm gonna have an attitude. I'm probably gonna cuss you out—which I might, but that has nothing to do with me being black, that's just me [laughs].

Do black men seek you out?
Yes, [but] as soon as I open my mouth they're confused. I haven't had many conversations with black men other than on a meet-and-greet level because (a) they say I'm acting white, or (b) they hear what I talk about and can't relate…and vice versa. And that's just because I grew up in a different environment than they did. Or maybe it's a socioeconomic thing. It's weird. I've never dated a black man.

What, there's no black guys into art and indie music in Portland?
No, there are! But they're just harder to find! Proportionally, as compared to a city like New York, there's just so many less. In a city like that, I bet there would be many men of different races that I could relate to. In Portland, it's just a limited number. It's not about me not wanting to date black men; honestly, I don't think they wanna date me. (And yes, I'm using blanket judgments.) From my experience, I'm just alien to them…as alien as I am to most white men—even though we probably have the same record collection.

So, what, you're giving up?
No. I have faith in this city. No matter what people's preconceived notions of what you might be are, if you present yourself as a beautiful and intelligent person, people will be open to that. I still feel comfortable in Portland, because people can be accepting and open, they just need the opportunity to do it. It's just gonna be difficult to [grow] core cosmopolitan values in this city. It's just a matter of time. But until then, I'll be 40 years old and probably never get another date!

Well, there's always vibrators.
The last vibrator I bought—I was so excited—I thought, I'll go home and drink some wine and eat some chocolate, you know, the whole Sex and the City thing. The damn thing broke when I got home, I was on a budget, so it was a cheap little one from Fantasy (I didn't want a fake penis one because those are gross and usually multicolored…with sparkles). I was devastated [she laughs]; I had to watch my Netflix sans vibrator. But I ate all the chocolates.

Be mine, valentine? Click here to send your own personal Valentine to Raina.

Need to get out and meet somebody yourself? Attend

s free Carnivale de Love party at Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison St., 239-7639. 9 pm. Tuesday, Feb. 12. Visit wweek.com/heartburn for details.

EXPERT ADVICE : "Say what you mean, don't say what you think will get you laid. If you're bipolar and your mom just killed herself and your ex-girlfriend is pregnant with your baby, just tell me. Then I can dump you up front—I don't have to spend three months finding all this out. Who knows? Maybe we'll find some commonality in our dysfunction. And for God's sake, don't get too drunk. The men who come into the bar should know that even though they're drunk enough to be touching up on me that I'm still sober enough to dislocate their shoulder." —Meagan Portis, Marathon Taverna server

"Don't roll out a 42-page laundry list of what you want in a partner during the first date. Focus on the four or five truly important things and be flexible about the rest. Are you really going to pass up a really good guy who's 5-foot-9 because you want one who's 6-foot? That's a recipe for disappointment. Remember, dating is supposed to be fun. Don't go into it with unreasonable expectations or you'll be alone next Valentine's Day, too." —Kelly Alston, owner of It's Just Lunch Portland

"Speaking both emotionally and medically, the main thing not to do is put yourself at too much risk. You certainly need to get tested and check in with your doctor before getting into a relationship, but it's equally important to check in with yourself. After all, there's nothing that can throw a monkey wrench into an exciting new relationship more than an unpleasant medical or emotional surprise." —Nick Mattos, former Planned Parenthood patient care coordinator

WWeek 2015