Skip to main contentThe much-buzzed horror movie wasn't screened in Portland, but WW fright expert Chris Stamm braved it this weekend:
Paranormal Activity
In the spirit of found footage horror (see: The Blair Witch Project, Cloverfield, REC?), an increasingly popular mode whose weaknesses and strengths are exemplified by Paranormal Activity, I am foregoing a more traditional review. Instead, I present to you the notes I made while screening the film. "White people." "Boring white people." "Will they ever shut up?" "Do they ever go to work?" "Jesus Christ, where are the fucking ghosts?" "I was promised ghosts." "They're sleeping. This isn't scary." "More talking." "Ghosts goddammit, I want ghosts!" "These actors are really good at pretending to be people I'd never want to be stuck in an elevator with." "Finally, a fucking ghost." "Oh shit, that was kinda scary." "A demon, not a ghost." "More inane blather." "Idea: horror film about a demon who torments deaf-mutes." "Pretty scared now, actually." "Making this note because I'm too scared to look at the screen." "Sorta relieved that so much of this movie is just talking, as I did not bring an extra pair of underwear." "This is too much." "Mommy." "Will anyone notice if I throw up?" "I don't like this." "Chris, you'll get through this." "Wait, that was it?" "Happy I did not piss my pants." "Kinda bummed I did not piss my pants." R. CHRIS STAMM. Showtimes here.
Oh, and Couples Retreat screened at some point and was terrible:
Couples Retreat
A hymn to settling for whatever's around: a spouse you don't like, a shot you don't bother to frame, a joke you've told before. Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau star in a DOA movie about marriage therapy for the improbably well-heeled (if you're going to get counseling, why not do it in Bora Bora bungalows that run $1,780 a night?) and immensely self-involved—fat schlubs Vaughn and Favreau must summon the internal fortitude to remain faithful to Malin Ackerman and Kristin Davis. Those poor boys. However do they cope? They've roped in buddy Peter Billingsley (Ralphie from A Christmas Story) to direct, and I wanted to shoot my eye out. The guy filmed on location in French Polynesia and managed to make it look like a soundstage. The comedic scaffold is the same trotted out by Adam Sandler's Anger Management: Use a grueling regimen of stupid exercises to substitute for writing any actual characters. One by one, each of the four rotten marriages is saved for no reason other than the movie's fear of troubling a complacent audience. Here's Vaughn exhorting Favreau to save his union: "You're not going to have anybody to go to Applebee's with you." Could there be a stronger case for divorce? PG-13. AARON MESH. Showtimes here.
WWeek 2015