The next time you masturbate in a port-a-potty, remember to close the door.
Today our news partner KATU reports on a chronic open-door masturbator who finally learned that lesson the hard way and ended up covered in poop. Officials say that around 8 am this morning a 48-year-old homeless man was "pleasuring himself" in a portable toilet on the Eastbank Esplanade with the door wide open when a group of his fellow homeless people decided to form a vigilante justice league and tip the toilet over, leaving the semi-public masturbator covered in shit and pee.
"(He) was flashing us over and over again, and we asked him multiple times and told him to stop and he wouldn't," a homeless woman told KATU News.
Because the port-a-potty fell door-side down, the man had to be rescued by police.
"Physically, he's fine but he had a crappy day," said police spokesperson Willie Halliburton, who will be high-fiving his buddies for a week over that pun.
The police declined to arrest him. Obviously he'd been punished enough.
Always, always close the door.