Skip to main content
From the instant Seth MacFarlane's Ted grossed over $200 million in 2012, the sequel was inevitable. The American public couldn't get enough as Seth MacFarlane broke away from his most famous role, Homer Simpson-like Peter Griffin, and brought the same crass, lowbrow humor and voice to a stuffed teddy bear.
The foul-mouthed Ted is back with more celebrities, low-hanging fruit and product placement than ever before. Ted 2 isn't the movie the movie-going public needs, but it is the film we deserve.
Ted 2 opens with the titular bear marrying Tami-Lynn, which narrator Patrick Stewart (the first of many "Not you, too!" celebrity cameos) says proves that "no one gives a shit" about the odd pairing. But when the two decide to adopt a child, they find out that Ted is not a person in the eyes of the government. Oh, and Ted also goes to a sperm bank with his best friend John (Mark Wahlberg) because lol semen. And Hasbro—we know this because of lengthy shots with the logo centered on screen—wants to kidnap Ted and dissect him or something.
There are plenty of awkward allusions to civil rights as Ted goes to court to prove his personhood, but these fall flat. It's hard to generate any emotional resonance when the movie is simultaneously trying to mine humor out of "this is what the fags, I mean homos, had to go through." Between lines like that and the film's obsession with dick jokes, Ted 2 seems like something written by a mean-spirited 13-year-old.
The most striking thing about this execrable sequel is its star power. Morgan Freeman plays a champion civil rights lawyer. Roger Sterling himself (Mad Men's John Slattery) argues on behalf of the prosecution. And a deadly serious Liam Neeson shills Trix in a cameo that looks like his memorable Life's Too Short role rewritten as a cereal commercial. While it was nice to see Patrick Warburton in his costume from The Tick again, why was he beating the shit out of nerds?
This Happy Madison-caliber comedy was designed for a very specific audience. If you think "black cocks" coming up on every Google search is hilarious, Ted 2 is the movie for you. If Marky Mark being covered in spooge makes you chortle, Ted 2 is the movie for you. If you ever wanted to watch Marky Mark and Ted break into a house to give Tom Brady a handjob, Ted 2 is everything you're looking for.
WWeek 2015