Thinking of Breaking Quarantine? These Five Weed Strains Will Help Chain You to the Couch

There is no challenge for the career stoner when it comes to staying inside, but most of us didn’t get this languorous on our own.

If there's one thing varsity stoners do with finesse, it's space out.

Stoners are elite time-benders, effortlessly blurring the moments between dusk and sunrise, spreading rich and meaningful minutes into eternities and extinguishing the closed-loop boredom of cabin fever. For many practiced potheads, a perfect day consists of nothing more than blowing weed, snacking snacks and performing one or two relaxed, low-stakes, home-based activities.

The rest of y'all restless Portlanders could take a lesson.

There is no challenge for the career stoner when it comes to staying inside, but most of us didn't get this languorous on our own. In fact, it takes years of complex cannabis cultivation to lock a body into the type of intoxicating meditative state that our current, potentially long-term social health measures necessitate—and not just any cannabis will do.

Luckily, in Oregon, we have plenty of complex cultivars that seem bred just for this health crisis. Here are a few deeply relaxing strains that will put your ass so deep in the couch you'll thank the governor for sending everyone in the state to their rooms. Each is an opportunity to find your own perfect, numbing comfort to get through the pajamapocalypse.

9 Pound Hammer

The name is accurate, but it belies the strain's more nuanced effects. Yes, 9 Pound Hammer is sedating as all heck, but it's also stress relieving and pain quieting, with soft creative suggestions perfect for a little right-brain stimulation.

Pairs well with: A blank notebook and a piano-heavy playlist.

Buy it from: Kaleafa, 5232 SE Woodstock Blvd., 971-407-3208.

White Rhino

White Rhino's classic indica characteristics—courtesy of hybrid parent strain White Widow—are cushioned by a mild sensuality that could potentially flip quarantine partnership fatigue into a shelter in place honeymoon. If you're tired of looking at your partner's face, start blowing some White Rhino together and see where it goes.

Pairs well with: Passively watching Y Tu Mamá También on Netflix while giving—or getting—a sensual back rub.

Buy it from: Tree House Collective, 2419 NE Sandy Blvd., 503-894-8774.

Obama Kush

Overall, Obama Kush is most popular for its lazy euphoria, but bliss is only one stratum in a layer of effects. Depending on your state, this strain can usher you into restorative sleep, relax you into the kind of stoney philosophizing memes are made of or incite deep investment in any number of Netflix docuseries.

Pairs well with: Video chat happy hour with the homies or phone calls to check in with chatty loved ones.

Buy it from: Foster Buds, 5522 SE Foster Road, 503-444-7433.

Paris OG

This award-winning strain is loudly celebrated for the intense and blissful lethargy that overwhelms its users. For those fighting urges to do yoga in the park or luge down empty streets, Paris OG will replace that unwelcome pep with rhapsodic inertia.

Pairs well with: Movies from Eddie Murphy's family-friendly era (The Nutty Professor, Doctor Dolittle, Daddy Day Care).

Buy it from: Mr. Nice Guy, 1034 SE 122nd Ave., 971-279-4766.

Donkey Butter

One brave sniff of this strain will tell you precisely how it got its name. But if you can get past the funky fragrance, this a prime cultivar for time-bending. Its reverberating relaxation quiets the mind in a way that fosters meditative focus. That said, I suggest using Donkey Butter while anchored in a comfy chair, mattress or couch. You don't want to be stuck walking the dog when suddenly time loses all meaning and your soul takes a sabbatical from your body.

Pairs well with: YouTube compilations of newscasters flubbing lines on live TV—or finally composing your masterpiece.

Buy it from: Today's Herbal Choice, 9220 SW Barbur Blvd., 503-208-3042.

Black Triangle

Technically speaking, this balanced hybrid isn't cultivated for extreme couch lock, but the strain's indica-derived effects are indeed pronounced. This flower is deeply relaxing, but the high also sparkles and buzzes with fragments of energetic inspiration. It's rainy-day fuel intensified, especially during this particular spring-cleaning season.

Pairs well with: Doing nothing and everything in equal measure.

Buy it from: Oregrown, 111 NE 12th Ave., 503-477-6898.

Related: Here Are Four Live Streaming Web Cams to Zone out On.

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