This year's Thanksgiving is less extended family-focused and more isolation nation-focused. Depending on your point of view, that could be a good thing.
At least this year no one will have to suffer through a carrot raisin salad, mashed rutabaga, or the ramblings of a high-key racist septuagenarian uncle. And just because you're not pregaming dinner by taking a walk with your favorite cousins doesn't mean you have to smoke any less weed—this year, you just get to smoke from the comfort of your own home rather than Granny's back alley.
This far into 2020, getting high and comfort eating is a vibe you're probably quite familiar with. But this week, take it a step further and celebrate yourself for surviving Portland's arguably most polarizing era. And a great way to do so is by committing to gratitude and gluttony, as well as a few top-shelf strains that will help you maintain a wet appetite and pink mood all day long.
If you're yearning for a grandiose dinner extravaganza: Purple Urkle
Purple Urkle, a mysterious phenotype of either Mendocino Purps or Granddaddy Purple, is a popular therapeutic strain for two very important reasons. One, it is mostly reported as a deeply relaxing, pain-relieving, sedative strain; two, it will straight up make you feel like you are starving. Even if you're three plates into dinner, a halftime bong hit will put you right back in the mood to eat another three plates. Pro tip: Get your foodstuffs in order before indulging in this strain, lest you get too high to supply yourself with the amount of food you'll need to satiate the oncoming munchies.
Purple Urkle's terpene profile layers a classic skunk perfume over tart notes of berry and fruit, an expression of myrcene and alpha-pinene. These terps, along with the strain's medium-high THC levels (usually 17% to 22%) produce a high that relieves pain and stress, relaxes away feelings of somber seclusion, and inspires great feats of feasting before putting your stoned ass to bed.
Get it from: Mongoose Cannabis Co., 3123 SE Belmont St., 541-933-8032, mongoosecannabis.com.
If you're the family vegetarian who low-key hates this holiday: Wedding Cake
Sometimes referred to as Pink Cookies, this cultivar is a mashup of Triangle Kush flower and Animal Mints pollen, hybrid parent strains that both land on the more relaxing end of the spectrum. Wedding Cake is itself a hybrid that tends toward a relaxing body high, although its astronomical THC percentages make for a sometimes turbulent head high. Users would be wise to arrange themselves with a benign creative project, a captivating binge watch, or a stony Zoom sesh with some fellow herbivores before indulging in consecutive hits.
Wedding Cake may have a reputation for a powerful high, but like all cannabis, it lands in different ways for different folks. Overwhelmingly, the strain is reported to be soothing in the body and dynamic in the head. But once, I smoked a half gram and lost an entire hour to a circuit workout that should have lasted 20 minutes. In that instance, my body was dynamic and my head was big empty, but whether you're couch-locked or bouncing off the walls, if you're veg, either is preferable to watching your grandfather suck a turkey neck.
Get if from: Electric Lettuce Sellwood, 7703 SE 13th Ave., 971-373-8056, electriclettuce.com.
If you reject colonial holidays entirely: OG Kush
Even if the holiday is supposed to be about grace and appreciation, our modern iteration puts a pretty strong emphasis on commercialized gluttony and performative gratitude, so maybe opting out in favor of getting double extra stoned to the bone really is taking the high road.
OG Kush could potentially be the perfect strain to keep the day from turning into a sour rejection of capitalist values, instead allowing for calm detachment and giddy euphoria. Though this heritage strain has produced many popular phenotypes, OG remains an all-time favorite for its bright, balanced head and body effects. Most can expect a deep physical intoxication and chatty, cerebral elation. For some, however, this strain is reported as having deeply therapeutic tranquilizing effects that can ease insomniacs into a restful sleep.
Get it from: Broadway Cannabis Market, 427 NW Broadway, 503-212-0608.
For an against-all-odds, after-work afterglow: Platinum Garlic Cookies
For the workforce holding the line so folks can have all the last-minute bells and whistles the day demands, consider finishing out the day with this top-shelf smoke. Bred from the hybrid strains GMO Cookies and Platinum GSC, Platinum Garlic Cookies is equal parts calm and euphoric, expressing both the grinning contentment of GSC and the heavy-lidded relaxation of GMO in a cultivar that will have you giggling yourself into a breezy euphoria.
This year, you are what America should be most grateful for. And this high-end strain is a superb way to treat yourself to what you deserve, which is the best. Comfortable work-from-home peeps, take note and hook up your frontline homies posthaste!
Get it from: Serra, 2519 SE Belmont St., 971-544-7055, shopserra.com.
In memoriam of Black Friday: 503 Wi-Fi
Although some will never understand the appeal of waiting in predawn lines to fight suburban dads over flat screens, I'm sure plenty of other folks are lamenting the (super-freaking lenient) restrictions imposed on this year's absurd nationwide sale riot. A few deep pulls of 503 Wi-Fi, as well as your better judgment, should cure you of any closeout FOMO.
503 Wi-Fi is a zippy hybrid strain that skews sativa effectswise—which is to say the body high is typically reported as effervescent and buoyant and the head high is chatty and joyful. However, plenty of users report effects that include deep relaxation and insomnia relief. That the reported effects are so consistently inconsistent makes this dense, sugary strain an adventure somewhat akin to betting on Target's 4 am sale stock.
Expect a sharp, sour perfume and citrusy, velvet exhale. Then expect to be far too high to concern yourself with anything other than online shopping and slurping up TG leftovers.
Get it from: Five Zero Trees, multiple locations, fivezerotrees.com.