National Parenting Week exists because parenthood is physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually exhausting. Let’s face it, one gendered Sunday of recognition a year is a pretty paltry form of parental appreciation. We deserve an entire week getting pats on the back.
Facts are facts: No matter how awesome and brilliant and amazing your kids are, being responsible for whole other human beings can super-suck sometimes. Parenting takes a tremendous amount of energy, focus and intention, and it can be easy for a caregiver to let their own needs fall by the wayside, especially in regards to galaxy-brain self-care. Which is why Parenting Week should be completely co-opted by stoner parents.
Even when using cannabis as medication, stealing away for sesh after sesh isn’t an option for most moms and dads, so having a stash box peppered with low-key, manageably dosed items specifically is a crucial part of the pothead parent playbook. So while Parenting Week may have already passed (it technically wrapped up Oct. 21), it’s not too late to celebrate yourself for doing the hardest job in the entire world: making good people. And if you’re a childless homie, for the love of Gawd, use this article as motivation to pad your parent friends’ stash boxes.
Hapy Kitchen Uplift and Relax Tinctures
When your kid has pushed you past your limits and it feels like steam is beginning to shoot from your ears, the last thing they’re going to do is chill out while you eat a thick bar of cannabis chocolate in front of them, satisfying as that may be for the parent. Instead, calm down with a microdose of one of Hapy Kitchen’s tinctures, which deliver a shimmer that can be maintained throughout even the toughest of days. When taken sublingually, these solutions can deliver highs similar to weed that you smoke. When drizzled over a bagel or bowl of oatmeal, the effects will be more akin to those of an edible.
BUY: The Canna Shoppe, 6316 NE Halsey St., 503-660-5209.
Mellow Vibes Gourmet Potcorn
I personally recommend the white cheddar jalapeño variety of this medicated popcorn, not only because it’s delicious; if your kid asks for some, you can always say, “No, it’s too spicy,” instead of “No, it’s drugs,” thanks to the heat from the peppers—and you’d still be completely honest. These bags of popcorn contain 100 milligrams of THC total, so nibbling on a kernel or two every few hours can provide a very manageable mood boost without completely stoning the user. For longer days when extra patience and extra cheer are required, this spicy snack could be the key to your parental success, or at least the key to avoiding a meltdown of your own.
BUY: Cannabis Curb, 4069 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 971-255-1542, cannabiscurb.com.
Laurie + Mary Jane Cheese Crisp Crackers
Laurie + Mary Jane’s savory crackers are low-dose treats that deliver a super-silky, mellow buzz. Each cracker contains around 3 milligrams of THC, which can easily be split in two for an uplifting microdose. All of this local company’s formulations use a full-spectrum, infused coconut oil, rather than solvent-based extracts or concentrates, so even at a low dose, expect robust, full-body effects that linger even as the buzzier elements of the high have evaporated.
BUY: Gram Central Station, 6430 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 503-284-6714.
Portland Oven Pot Sauce
For all of the parents who keep hot sauce in their bags, consider adding a mini bottle of Pot Sauce, a vinegar-based chile condiment with 50 milligrams of THC per 10-milliliter bottle.
Available in three different heat intensities, these have the same complex savory-spicy smack of Tapatío or Crystal, while delivering a very mild dose (less than 5 milligrams of THC per dash) of cannabis. Bonus: Pot Sauce’s tiny bottles look like a cross between biohazardous glue and demonic eye drops, so there’s virtually zero chance of accidental mix-ups, unless your kid loves nuclear hot sauce—in which case, maybe avoid this product altogether.
BUY: Pot Mates, potmatespdx.com.
Luminous Botanicals Sun Syrup
Sun Syrup is one of the most valuable medications in my pantry. This lemony, honey-thick tonic is the perfect replacement for traditional sweeteners in tea or coffee, and at 1,000 milligrams of THC per bottle, a little can go a long way. I’ve drizzled this syrupy concoction on doughnuts, French toast and even apple slices. Luminous Botanicals can be trusted to deliver therapeutic-grade products, the bright flavors never feel overdone and the business’s organic approach never wavers. That means its medicine always feels equal parts holistic and fun, which is a vibe many parents can use.
BUY: Gnome Grown Dispensary, 5012 NE 28th Ave., 971-346-2098, gnomegrownorganics.com.