Blazer fans love their team with a fanatical devotion that often blinds them to their shortcomings. But Portland comedians Seth Johnston and Brandon Lyons prefer to express their appreciation in a different way. The duo's wonderfully jaded Blazers podcast, We Already Had Clyde, stands in stark opposition to the mutant optimism that has cropped up around the team in the past decade.
"I believe in the Blazers, but I realistically believe in the Blazers," says Lyons. "If you think Dame is better than Steph Curry, don't listen to our fucking podcast—it's not for you."
Call them haters if you must, but that cynical lens just makes Johnston and Lyons particularly trustworthy when it comes to forecasting the team's fortunes. As the Blazers enter their 50th season, here's what they're thinking about the road ahead.
Willamette Week: Who’s going to really excel on the Blazers this year?
Brandon Lyons: CJ [McCollum] is going to have a career year. I don't like that pick, though. I wanna get spicier—Kent Bazemore is gonna be the three we always wanted.
Seth Johnston: Mario Hezonja, because he's terrified of having to play in China if this doesn't work out for him.
Who’s going to let everyone down?
Johnston: Hassan Whiteside. People are still excited he's here, and I don't know if that will last for two months.
Lyons: Dame's going to have a step-back year, and everyone will blame it on his rap music, but it's just because he had an MVP-caliber year last year. Also, Anfernee Simons is going to be trash.
Who’s getting traded?
Johnston: [Kent] Bazemore or [Rodney] Hood. Whiteside may not do well enough to get traded, so they'll end up keeping him. But Bazemore or Hood, probably whichever one of them they can get something better for.
Where are the Blazers finishing this year?
Lyons: The question really is, how many games is it going to take to make the playoffs? I think the Blazers are going to win 53 games this year and get the fifth or fourth seed. I think I've done the math on that.
HEAR IT: We Already Had Clyde is available on iTunes.