A company based out of Grand Prairie, Texas voluntarily recalled all of its New Kopi Jantan Tradisional Natural Herbs Coffee after the FDA discovered the product contained desmethyl carbodenafil, a chemical similar to the active ingredient in Viagra.

Some men were drinking the instant coffee to use as a male enhancement, which makes sense. After all, the best part of waking up shouldn't be Folgers in your cup. Instead, the best part of waking up should be a pharmacologically induced prolonged erection (or, as it's appropriately abbreviated within the medical community: PIPE).

This recall is the result of a growing trend of companies hiding drugs and chemicals in dietary supplements or conventional foods. A similar case occurred last year when "Stiff Bull Herbal Coffee" was also recalled for secretly containing desmethyl carbodenafil. Of course, even though the chemical ingredients weren't listed, the name "Stiff Bull Herbal Coffee" makes the beverage's arousing intent pretty clear. The only names that could've made the coffee's stimulating effects any more obvious are "Boner Blend," "Cock-A-Doodle Brew," or "Hey, Dipshit! This Coffee Makes Your Dick Hard!"

Any of those would be great names for an erection inducing beverage. Conversely, the best possible name for a hot drink that causes impotence is "Covfefe."

The FDA's central concerns with these products are the various health risks associated with the hidden ingredients. Some of the coffee's unlisted components have the potential to lower blood pressure and negatively affect individuals taking prescriptions associated with diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and heart disease (which is a laundry list of ailments that plague most American men over forty and 100 percent of African Americans regardless of age or gender).

But medical issues and FDA regulations aside, getting a surprise erection from your morning cup of joe's unlisted chemical ingredients has the potential to really fuck up your schedule. Just consider the 20-step morning routine of the typical American male:

  1. Wake up
  2. Hit snooze
  3. Hit snooze
  4. Hit snooze
  5. Realize you’re running late
  6. Brush your teeth
  7. Take a shit (unless you’re the kind of monster who shits post shower)
  8. Hop in the shower
  9. Think about whether or not you want to masturbate while in the shower
  10. Consider whether or not masturbating in the shower will make you late for work
  11. Decide that you’re okay with being late for work
  12. Masturbate in the shower
  13. Dry off
  14. Get Dressed
  15. Drink a cup of coffee
  16. Leave for work
  17. Immediately go back inside upon realizing that you forgot to put on deodorant
  18. Put on deodorant
  19. Consider masturbating again
  20. Leave for work

It's an absolutely flawless system. But if that morning cup of coffee gives you an unexpected erection, everything gets thrown out of whack.

By the time you leave for work, you're already late. There's no time for the impossible dream that is the second masturbation session. So what are you supposed to do? Walk around the office with a boner? Work on spreadsheets with a hard-on? What if the boss calls on you to give a presentation in the conference room? It's like high school algebra class all over again, and now you'll never get a date to Winter Formal!

Customers should take caution whenever purchasing "all natural" products boasting the ability to increase sexual satisfaction or promote weight loss. And men hoping to temporarily fix their erectile dysfunction should go about it the old fashioned way: By buying questionable male enhancement pills from a cheap gas station in a shady part of town.

Sure, there's still no telling what the ingredients are since they're written in Khmer. But desperate times call for វិធានការអស់សង្ឃឹម.

(Rick Vodicka)
(Rick Vodicka)