This is an unlikely home for Portland's most celebrated pub burger. A proud survivor of an earlier iteration of Portland glam, Slow Bar is a den of nightlifers reading the newspaper in the dim red lighting that I associate with places like Amsterdam and Prince's powder room. But none of that decadence can compare to the Slowburger ($11)—a Beacon Rock-sized column of ground chuck, Gruyere and onion rings that tastes like the Oxford English Dictionary needed more definitive examples of the concepts "fat" and "melt." There's actually a surprisingly extensive menu to explore here (the hush puppies and honey butter in the Southern Fry are worth a go), but we all know you came for the burger, so no point getting bashful now. Practice self-care and order it with salad.
Happy hour: 3-6 pm Monday-Friday, 12 am-2:30 am Sunday-Thursday. $1 off all drinks, food specials.
Entertainment: Metal on the jukebox, a jukebox that's real. TVs playing horrorporn.