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Invade invasive ivy.
Troops could help the Friends of Forest Park with ivy pulls, getting rid of a horrible invasive plant and meeting lots of committed gardeners.
Fill the potholes on Burnside.
By far the most common suggestion from our readers was for guard members to repave the roads. (All politics are local!) Here’s the most vivid reader entry: “They could start by filling the potholes—at this point, I trust a Humvee more than PBOT to survive a trip down Burnside.”
Improve our backhand.
Portland Parks & Recreation is about to fight for its life at the ballot box in November. Why not get ahead of its potential funding crisis with an old-fashioned work party in the parks? The tennis courts at Westmoreland Park in Southeast Portland, for example, are in abysmal shape. There’s a moon crater–sized pothole in the parking lot, and the court is in desperate need of resurfacing. Chop chop!
Turf Powell Park.
A group of parents, students and advocates have been working together for about a year on a campaign to plug artificial turf into Powell Park. The park is right across the street from Cleveland High School, and its baseball and softball teams need the park to be turfed for better practice facilities (the current surface of mud and drug-use debris is not ideal). How difficult or expensive is it to install artificial turf? The feds can find out!
Corral the run clubbers.
There’s nothing quite as disheartening as coming off a long day of work, only to get flash mobbed by 80 sweaty and panting joggers on your walk home. They could use someone to remind them to stay on one half of the sidewalk and pass to the left!
Leaf day for all!
During Portland’s gloomy winters, few things are more heartwarming than seeing some streets across the city cleaned of rotting leaves. The Portland Bureau of Transportation was able to add a bunch more leaf zones this year. But why not gift every neighborhood the service?
Remove trees of heaven.
This ranked behind only picking up trash, removing graffiti and feeding homeless people among our reader suggestions. The invasive, tenacious plant is a scourge Portlanders want quashed. One writes, “Help eradicate the only thing that’s actually invading Portland—the tree of heaven!”
Stock the loos.
The metal, futurist public toilets are a rare luxury in town, and they’re often out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer. While the troops are at it, they could map out all the ones in the city—and install more.
Put on a laser show.
A fellow named Brendan Mortimer, who runs a Substack page called Mortlandia (clever!) actually beat us to this list, offering 19 suggestions of his own. He was a good sport (a good Mort?) about it, and offered his suggestions to us as well. Among them: “Nightly light show along the side of the Edith Green federal building. Could be a real boon to downtown foot traffic.”
Glean!
Trees all over Portland are dropping delicious fruit that just rots on the sidewalk. It’s a waste to be stepping over apples, pears and cherries and not grabbing fruit that’s still on the branches. Get a convoy going to the nearest food pantry.
Animal control.
National Guard troops could round up the coyotes in Northeast Portland and put them on a C-130 to Wyoming, along with some of the rabbits that are invading Portland.
Cool things off.
We suspect that some of the reservists have HVAC skills and could install air conditioners for people struggling to stay cool as Trump guts climate work.
Empty the dog poop bins.
“The poop containers at Mt. Tabor Dog Park get really full and stinky and could use regular emptying,” notes one WW reader. “It’s also time to winterize the roses in Ladd’s Addition, so if they could bring some clippers, some mulch, and a few compost bags, that would be great.”
Prepare for snow days.
If guard members are here through the winter, they could respond to a real emergency: helping Portland drivers navigate icy roads in the West Hills and on Alameda Ridge in Toyota Priuses and those foldable Brompton bikes. We need them on that plow.
Artillery assault.
This one is a twofer. Guard folks could get training with live munitions by setting up mortars in Laurelhurst and bombing the Gordon’s Fireplace building into rubble. (Note: This might require closing Interstate 84 and Northeast Broadway. Safety first!)
Speed development.
Talk to any contractor in Portland, and they’ll tell you that obtaining a building permit from the city is like trying to get a license at the DMV in Cairo, Egypt. Guard members are professionals, and we bet some are in the building trades. They could infiltrate Portland Permitting & Development and liberate some permits.
Foster democracy.
Guard members are civically minded. Some might be Elks, Lions or Rotarians, which means they know how to run meetings. They could impart some of that wisdom to the Portland City Council, which struggles with Robert’s Rules of Order.
Hand out Narcan.
Harm reduction saves lives. Think of it as a domestic humanitarian mission. Plus, guard members could give free boofing kits to all those right-wing influencers hanging around the ICE building, so they can shove it up their ass.
Repatriate Fluffy.
Being in the guard must involve some tracking skills. What if guard members collated NextDoor data and heartbreaking telephone-pole flyers and returned all the lost cats to their owners? Once that’s done, they could help us build catios and save some songbirds.
Redirect traffic from train crossings.
Another suggestion from Mort, who notes that the crossing signals at Southeast 11th Avenue are especially useless. We’d go further and suggest stationing guard members blocks away from Union Pacific tracks and redirecting motorists to an alternate route. Do this and it’s possible all political divisions would melt away.
Play peacemakers.
Youth soccer season is upon us, which means that soccer dads are already out screaming at players to “POSSESS!” and at coaches to put their kids in the goddamn game. If (and only if) guard members are properly armed, and armored, they could deal with these dads.
Pickle the tennis courts.
The popularity of pickleball is skyrocketing, as is the need for new courts. Portland has plenty of sad tennis courts in need of TLC—why not transition them to pickleball courts? The guard can overlay lines for a single pickleball court on top of the tennis court, or cram up to four of those suckers into the same space.
Redirect trash.
Guard members know about systems. Like pilots, they (wisely) rely on checklists to make sure missions go as planned. Unlike many Portlanders, we bet they could comprehend Portland recycling directions so that people stop putting Dutch Bros cups in their blue bins by the dozen.
Code break.
Guard members from Oregon who understand passive aggression could act as interpreters for people from the East Coast so they can understand what the Portland-born are actually saying.
Police the geese.
A reader warns of the dangers posed to Portland by Canadians. “Protect cyclists and pedestrians on the waterfront from aggressive, territorial geese. We ARE under siege by RUTHLESS AVIAN FORCES.” Bonus: The geese like to congregate in Tom McCall Waterfront Park, an easy walk from the ICE building (see page 15).
Magnet fish.
There must be scores of Lime scooters sitting at the bottom of the Willamette River, along with shopping carts, logging spikes and guns. Magnet fishing is getting big, thanks to yuge neodymium magnets. A guy in New York landed a safe full of soggy $100 bills. Removing the stuff is better for fish, too, and the scrap is worth money.
Tip the strippers.
Sure, they probably hate you, but who deserves to be showered in squandered tax dollars more than Portland pole dancers? Support the arts, as Viva Las Vegas likes to say. It’s a proud tradition of both service members and Portlanders.
Prep for the megaquake.
The city and state remind us relentlessly to prepare for the massive earthquake that is for sure going to level Portland as soon as right now when the Cascadia subduction zone snaps. But how many of us have earthquake kits? Guard members are good at nothing if not preparation, and we slackers need some. (Also: An Army-issue floating bridge alongside the Burnside would come in handy when all the others are in the river.)
Support the home team.
If they are around long enough, they could buy tickets to the Blazers and prove to prospective owner Tom Dundon that the fan base is a guaranteed sellout, every night. He’ll probably pay for the whole new arena!
Install sidewalks in the Parkrose School District.
The Parkrose School District scored an important win with the Portland Bureau of Transportation when the bureau installed a sidewalk between Northeast 115th Avenue and the Parkrose Middle School campus in October 2024. The district struggles with some of the highest rates of chronic absenteeism statewide. Perhaps some more sidewalks will encourage more regular attendance—and ensure a safer commute for many students.
Contribute to the arts.
The guard could perform Patton at Portland Center Stage. Depending how many guard members are from Southeast Portland, we could do it alt and cast Fred Armisen as George S. Patton and Portland drag queen Ry Bred as Bernard “Monty” Montgomery.
Pave gravel roads.
More than 55 miles of Portland streets are still those miserable, unpaved gravel roads, according to the Portland Bureau of Transportation. East Portlanders suffer more than their fair share of these “unimproved roadways,” but the greatest concentration is actually in far Southwest where a whopping 13.9% of streets remain unpaved. Let’s improve some roadways!
Become Taskrabbits.
Suggests a reader: “We launch the TaskheronPDX App. It is basically Taskrabbit for nonprofits and neighborhood associations to get stuff done. Need a playground repaired?…a vacant lot turned into a community garden?…low income housing weatherized?...an axle-destroying pothole filled?!?!? Just enter your need on TaskheronPDX and troops will be dispatched immediately to help.”
Run a ride rescue.
The rides at Oaks Park have had almost as many snafus as Elon Musk’s rocket company. We bet that guard members have lots of friends who call them when they can’t get their Johnson outboard motor to start, or their garbage disposal to spin again. Such expertise must transfer to maintaining the AtmosFEAR.
Spur emergency(ish) response.
Guard members know how to do things on the double (that’s a military term, in fact). Maybe they could help Portlanders learn how to walk down the sidewalk or through the airport with some level of urgency (especially when they’re high).
Build critical infrastructure.
National Guard brigades helped rebuild Iraq after the U.S. invasion in 2003. We could use their help rebuilding our schools. Barring that, the guard could make sure every house has a little free library out front and fairy doors in the trees.
Conduct psy-ops.
While out tracking coyotes, the guard could stop by open houses and talk about how war-torn and dangerous the neighborhood is to scare off people moving from out of state and driving up housing prices (despite the rampaging Antifa warlords).
Convene a reading circle.
The guard could read books to our kids because the state deemed only 43% of third graders proficient in reading.
Prevent forest fires.
More than one reader suggested some forest raking would save lives and property. “Forest thinning to reduce forest fire risk and create healthier forests in national forests throughout the state (particularly along roadways and around communities that are vulnerable to wildfire disaster),” writes one. “Seriously!”
Occupy Portland office space.
Downtown Portland has the highest office vacancy rate in the nation. The guard could base itself in a downtown tower and pay rent.
Provide pit stops.
Until August, the Oregon National Guard included an armored battalion that had Bradley Fighting Vehicles and M1A2 Abrams tanks, complex vehicles that required a lot of maintenance. Now, that battalion is an infantry unit, and we bet that some of the folks who used to wrench on stuff would like to stay sharp. How about they set up pit stops on the Emergency World Naked Bike Ride and fix all the out-of-whack derailleurs and flat tires? Bonus: Any medics in the guard could help with chafing.
Compare notes with MarchFourth Marching Band.
Something tells us that guard members know about marching. Both squads could up their game.
Teach kids to swim.
City swim lessons are the hottest ticket in town; they get snatched up in minutes. Hundreds of kids are locked out. Guard members could grab their water wings and be the frogmen we need.
Wipe the Nike bikes down.
Sticky handlebars, stained seats and trash in e-bike baskets are quick ways to deter greener transportation around Portland. Luckily, nothing a swarm of troops with wipes and garbage bags couldn’t quickly solve.
Install automated speed cameras.
We know the brass in D.C. has an appetite for law enforcement and surveillance. So how about some cameras to catch speeding drivers? City Councilor Steve Novick says we need 1,000—that’s five cameras for every member of the California National Guard twiddling their thumbs at Camp Withycomb. And the biggest hurdle to running the cameras is finding officers to look at the images and write the tickets. Beats peeling potatoes.
Pump gas.
After decades of being waited on at gas stations, some Oregonians are having a hard time making the change to self-serve, even though it’s been two years. The worst is when senior citizens accidentally pull into a self-serve lane when they meant to pull into full service; chaos and embarrassment ensue. The National Guard could head this off by being posted at gas stations, ready to either help pump some unleaded or repark cars in the correct lane.
Go home.
Seriously, soldier. The greatest gift you could give Portland is to end this nonsense and leave us alone.
