auto EROTICA

HOW TO GET ACROSS THE STREET
Foot Traffic | Pop Cycle Coolers | Auto-Erotica

HOW TO GET UP THAT HILL
Two Ways to Mount Hood | Backcountry Jammin'-boree | Mountain Climbers

HOW TO GET DOWN THE RIVER--OR UP THE CREEK
Paddling-4-Dummies | Get Your Motor Running

Before you can climb, board, ride, etc., you actually have to get out to the mountain, Gorge or trailhead. And if you're really excited about your outdoor adventure, you won't wait until you get out of the car to start showing your love for the world around you. It's time to put your money where your progressive, idealistic mouths are. Men, you're just going to have to staple a rubber penis to your forehead to demonstrate your masculinity, and, ladies, donating money to the Sierra Club isn't enough anymore. You need to buy a hybrid vehicle. OK, so doing your part means shelling out a couple of extra bucks for a car that doesn't have quite as much power, but here's a helpful hint for deciding whether to purchase a car based solely on engine prowess and acceleration: There are speed limits. There is no need to drive like a possessed maniac. But don't fret, faithful driver; I've also included some environmentally sound cars that have automotive huevos for more than just getting across town.

rich MAN
Insight Full: You love the environment and you've got some cash to spend on it. With air conditioning and continuously variable automatic transmission, the Honda Insight (pictured above, available at Ron Tonkin Honda, 300 SE 122nd Ave., 255-8345) will run you $23,710. Unfortunately, this car is for parties of two only. (Finally, Siamese twins, your prayers have been answered!) Despite looking as if it were made for Trekkies and Star Wars geeks, the Insight is more youthful-looking than grandpa Prius. What it lacks in space it makes up for in mileage, getting an astonishing 57 mpg on the highway and 56 mpg in the city. There have been stories that the Insight can reach 100 mph, but I would advise against it, seeing as you'll probably end up traveling back in time and encountering yourself, and really complicate things for the future.

RAVer Fanatic: So you want to have your vegan cake and eat it, too? Done and done. Toyota helps you feel less guilty about owning an SUV with the introduction of its electric-powered RAV 4 EV. It's basically the same as its raptor-ike gas-eating brother, except this bad boy is electric. Yes, it seems the beast has gotten smarter. But before you genuflect before the car gods, look at the price tag. It costs a Satanic $42,596 to get the best of both worlds, according to Toyota. While there is ample seating and a range of 100 miles (not to mention standard CD player and air-conditioning), it just seems as if you have to trade your economic soul for this "anti-SUV." Oh, and you have to go to California to get it, because it isn't sold in Oregon or Washington.

poor MAN
Pretty Li'l Prius: Rated at 52 miles per gallon in the city and 45 mpg on the highway, the Toyota Prius has an effective cruising range of 500 to 600 miles. At $20,455 (Ron Tonkin Toyota, 750 SE 122nd Ave., 255-0177) it's less expensive than the like-minded Honda Insight. Aesthetically, you may be mistaken for someone who loves figure skating and doubles tennis if seen driving it, but this hybrid does anything but cater to a Depends^TM-wearing crowd. Much roomier than most of its hybrid competitors, the four-door sedan is about the size of a Corolla and can seat five, though rather snugly. The 5.8-inch touch-panel LCD keeps you abreast as to whether the batteries and 44-horsepower electric motor or the 70-horsepower, 1.5-liter 4-cylinder gas motor (or both) is giving the car juice. For you drivers who are still vexed at your inability to set the clock on your VCR and feel that this much technology will cause you to have a seizure, give me a call and I'll come over to your house and smack you on the head with a blunt object because YOU SHOULDN'T BE OPERATING A MOTOR VEHICLE. Afraid that dubbing something "environmentally sound" is just an automotive way of equivocating "Spartan interior"? Not to worry: The 2002 model offers as paid amenities either a one- or a six-disc CD player, side airbags, GPS, cruise control and daytime running lamps.

Shag-a-rific: It's back! Love and cherish the BMW Mini Cooper, the cherubic automobile from Britain (Rasmussen Mini, 2001 SW Jefferson St., 226-0380). It's not a hybrid (shhh, don't tell Nader) but this motor-munchkin seats four, is inexpensive at $19,850 (only a tandem bicycle is cheaper, right?) and speedier than its competition. The Mini has a top speed of 124 mph for those of you who must get out your frustrations on the highway (I personally don't condone this). It also is the champion of aesthetics as far as these environmental automobiles go. It has the charm and innocence of a Mary-Kate and Ashley movie, but you won't get arrested for handling this one. This one is a keeper, folks, an amalgam of old style and new zip.

skid ROW
Another One Rides the Bus: Need a public ride that's eco-conscious? Hybrid Tri-Met buses are here. A two-zone monthly pass will run you $45; if you're under 18, it's only $16 a month in the summer.

WWeek 2015