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Headout: Screw Mary Sue

Urkel, Minnie Mouse and other shades of awful erotic fanfic.

Fan fiction, once the sole province of pathetic nerds, is now a profitable industry. The literary elite may scoff, but Fifty Shades of Grey, which began as Twilight fan fiction, has sold 40 million copies.

Shitty though she may write, E.L. James—originally known by the pen name Snowqueens Icedragon—is the world's most popular author. What's the next Grey? Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction, a monthly series from Nerdist Theater in L.A. that comes to Portland this week, is looking. We dug around the Web for other future bestsellers.

Sonic the Hedgehog

"Sonic moaned quietly, whimpering 'Tails…' every few seconds. By now, the blue blur's penis was fully erect, and Tails could begin his work. The kit placed his hand around Sonic's cock and began to rub. The hedgie's moaning became louder and louder."

—"Passion of Love" by AlistairLowary

The Terminator

"[The Terminator] skimmed down her naked body, taking in every gorgeous thing that [Sarah Connor's] body had to give for a man's eyes and after choosing another scenario to perform, and after her acceptance, he pushed into her! She was whimpering sweetly at first in the many years without sex pain, but soon gotten used to it and to his massive size."

—"Sexual Feelings: Terminator" by Strangerthanstrange

Nancy Drew meets the Hardy Boys

"[Frank Hardy] echoed [Nancy Drew's] throaty sigh as the relief of their initial joining sated the yearning to become one, while igniting the first flicker of the more animalistic and basic need for release."

—“Interference & Intercourse” by KennaC 

Mickey Mouse

"Minnie shook as she pushed [Mickey's] head between her legs, her legs shaking violently around him, her toes curling, and her tail shaking wildly as she groaned, squeaked and panted in blissful ecstasy as the waves of hot, tingly pleasure pulsed through her body."

—“Latenight Snack” by Squad Unit 19 

Family Matters

"This is your pleasure and punishment" Steve [Urkel] said before he pushed all the way into Laura, burying his member to the hilt. Laura screamed in pleasure and pain, she was still sore from last night but she knew she deserved this, she wanted it."

—"The Fine Line Between Dreams & Reality" by Dragongirl4040

GO: Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction is at Brody Theater, 16 NW Broadway,, on Friday, Aug. 17. 10 pm. $10. 21+.

Headout Picks


[BEER] Deschutes’ annual street “fare” is a brewery festival where beer isn’t the big draw. Sure there are Deschutes brews to drink, but the main appeal is the food carts, which come from across the city to be enjoyed in one convenient location. This year’s lineup includes Oregon Ice Works, PDX 671, Prickly Ash, baoPDX, Gonzo, the Pie Spot and Touchdown’s BBQ. All proceeds go to Loaves and Fishes (the Meals-On-Wheels folk). Deschutes Brewery & Public House, 210 NW 11th Ave., 296-4906. 5-9 pm. $10, includes one food-and-beer tasting ticket. Additional tasting tickets are $4.


[MUSIC] That Lloyd Allen Sr. is not a household name in Portland is a crying shame. The blues and soul master is gifted in many arenas: His scorching guitar solos, pained vocal cries and original songwriting all add up to one of the finest shows in town. Blue Diamond, 2016 NE Sandy Blvd. 9 pm. Free. 21+.


[DANCE] What does home mean to you, and what is it like to leave it behind? These are the questions driving a collaboration between Heidi Duckler Dance Theatre/Northwest and Painted Sky Northstar Dance Company. Duckler does site-specific dance works, and this one, called Expulsion, is no exception: It will be staged in a vacant lot on three stories of scaffolding, and will allude to the tale of Cain and Abel. It’s designed as a cross-cultural exchange with Painted Sky, which specializes in traditional Native American dance done in full regalia. River Street Studios, 820 N River St. 8 pm. $5-$10. 
[RACE] Watch racers roll down a volcano on homemade, wheeled contraptions. Unlike the kiddie versions powered by gravity alone, this one is fueled by sweet, sweet ethanol. Mount Tabor Park, Southeast 60th Avenue & Salmon Street. 10 am-4 pm. Free to watch.


[BIKES] Ride 100 miles without braving the hinterlands. The Portland Century follows riding routes of 40, 80 or 100 miles with stunning views of Portland from Bull Run, Marine Drive and Smith and Bybee lakes. Oh, and it’s catered, with refreshments along the way. Ride begins at Portland State University. Check-in times 6-9 am, depending on route. $71.50 adults in advance, $10 under age 10.