Trolley Drunk

The Portland Trolley (which, let's be clear, is just a bus) is offering $98, five-hour wine tours to three urban wineries. The owner says discounts are always available, but who needs tickets to a drinking trolley? The Portland Streetcar charges a mere dollar. And while it's totally useless to the able-bodied unless we're hit by a hurricane—it moves slower than a Portland State economist on foot—the slow-moving, easy-riding streetcar is the perfect drunk-delivery device. And for less than $98, it can give you one hell of a boozy tour.

All stops on the eastside streetcar (CL line), which will become the A and B loops on August 30, and the Tillikum Bridge crossing will open September 12. And we'll even start you off with local wine. 

McMenamins Market Street Pub (1526 SW 10th Ave.)

Welcome to McMenamins' least-known pub! Home to college students on the eight-year plan and staffers of The Oregonian, Market Street offers a flight of six wines for a mere $10, plus a $3 quesadilla at happy hour. You are off to a wonderful start. Now, spend another dollar on your streetcar ticket. Cost with tip: $17

Momo's (725 SW 10th Ave.)

Momo's is the West End's secret garden—a desolate-looking dive bar backed up by the city's greatest downtownish patio (suck it, VQ). Drink the house specialty: an extremely stiff well gin and tonic. Cost with tip: $5

Life of Riley (300 NW 10th Ave.)

The life of Riley is drunk and short—like the Irish themselves! Its namesake bar, however, is a mullet: all dull business upstairs, with the party in the dark-ass basement. Get a Miller High Life back, and a Bushmills up front. See? Mullet. Cost with tip: $9

Low Brow Lounge (1036 NW Hoyt St.)

Seventeen years ago, the Low Brow almost seemed like a gentrifier. Now it's a final Pearl holdout. It claims to be the first tater-tot bar in Portland; so wash the tots down with Pabst. Cost with tip: $8

Red Robin (1139 NE Grand Ave.)

The streetcar ride across the river made you queasy. And you are drunk. But the Canadian Club-swilling traveling salesman at Red Robin will not judge you as you quaff a Beer Rita Can-Crafted Cocktailâ"¢ that mixes Corona and tequila, plus a four-doughnut Doh!â"¢ short stack. Cost with tip: $17

Spirit of 77 (500 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd.)

Skee ball! Also…Montucky Cold Snack! Bro? Bro! Cost with tip: $5

B-Side (632 E Burnside St.)

By now you're far too late for the $1 tallboy "crappy hour," which means your Hamm's tallboy costs a whopping $2. Console yourself with a Rainier tallboy, also $2. Cost with tip: $6

My Father's Place (523 SE Grand Ave.)

My Father's Place is where you go when you feel like your father. Right now you even look like your father. Get a cup of slightly burnt coffee with well whiskey in it, then go festive with whipped cream on top. This is named the Jay Horton, after one of Portland's best-loved freelance writers. Cost with tip: $4

Star Bar (639 SE Morrison St. )

Nothing goes with a slushie machine quite like Minor Threat. Cost with tip: $5

Pour Sports Bar & Grill (832 SE Grand Ave.)

This is your final bar. It's been six hours, and you have consumed more of this world than hungry Cthulhu. Find that same traveling salesman from Red Robin to sit next to at Pour Sports, and get patriotic with the Bill Walton cocktail, which mixes Jameson, Fireball and Peppermint Schnapps. Look at the TV and ask what the score is. You clearly don't know it. Cost with tip: $7

OMSI (1945 SE Water Ave.)

Fall asleep to the soothing sights and sounds of LASER! PINK! FLOYD!! Cost: $7.50

Grand total: $90.50

The Portland Trolley offers urban or regional wine tours Fridays-Sundays or by appointment. Call 876-5539 for details and reservations.

WWeek 2015