Admit it, girls: Every now and again, you've used your lady parts to your advantage. You go out on the town with the twins popping out of the latest low-cut number from Forever 21. Nice ass? Pour it into some booty-lovin' Sevens. (We won't mention the pussy-happy antics of Britney and Paris. No panty-free parties, please.)
In basic, animalistic terms, your body, and the clothes covering it, are natural weapons for capturing a member of the opposing team. But can this law of attraction be reversed—can sexy get-ups be used to deter your opponents? Hell yes! Witness the Rose City Rollers, our very own all-girl roller derby league—a no-holds-barred sport dedicated to women kicking each other's asses while moving at high speeds. Team uniform rules are up to the women—and they're decidedly un-stringent. We're talking self-embellished Dickies dresses (High Rollers), or strict adherence to a color scheme (Heartless Heathers) or hiring the occasional seamstress (Breakneck Betties).
Just as we use our clothes and bodies to rope a mate, roller-derby girls use their skin-tight outfits, many of which they craft themselves, as a handy offense. In other words, uniforms, makeup and undies are utilized to foil the enemy. On the eve of the Rollers' second-season opener this Saturday, March 24, we flagged down two of the league's masters of crafting weapons of mass distraction. Note: Because of the unfortunate fact that weirdos are inevitably drawn to the Rose City Rollers, we've had to withhold our models' birth names—although we're willing to bet you 20 bucks these two could kick any stalker's pansy ass.
The Rose City Rollers season opener takes place at the Portland Expo Center, Hall C, 2060 N Marine Drive, 800-992-8499 (ticketswest.com). 6 pm Saturday, March 24. General seating $18 ($15 pre-bout), Rockstar seats $25 ($20 pre-bout). Check out a season schedule and find out more about the teams at rosecityrollers.com.
Team: Heartless Heathers (Captain)
Number: Barely 21
Vominatrix, photographer by day, captain of the Heartless Heathers by night, shares her team's dress policy: "We pretty much wear our uniform for the first half and then wear whatever the fuck [we] want for the second half as long as it's blue, silver or white, and heartless." She points out that getting 18 girls to agree on a matching scheme is "close to impossible." Touché.
Note Vominatrix's shiny ass underneath that skirt. The silver-lamé tactic is similar to sequins—if an opponent is distracted by pretty, shiny material, "[They] will tend to stare, which can sometimes be helpful. If they're staring at my ass and not my jammer, I know I have accomplished something."
Vominatrix, 22, is a big fan of fake blood—throwing off both the refs and the other team. "If you really start bleeding, it's harder for the refs to know what is real and what is fake. So they let you keep playing—or at least they do until they read this and start giving me shit for it."
Tasseled pasties also function as a great distraction. Says Vominatrix: "If people look at my tits instead of paying as much attention to the game as they should be, it's a plus for my team." She admits, though, that some of this is about the entertainment factor. "It's just another aspect that adds to the whole 'show' aspect of roller derby, which is a big reason why people like to come and watch us. Yes, we are a sport, and yes, we are athletes, but this is a fucking show, too."
Team: High Rollers
Embellishing the team's green duds, Stella, 25, put time and effort into sewing fuchsia racing stripes on either side of her bodice. Yes, it "girlifies" the uniform, but at the right angle, the sequins or bright colors can blind a blocker out of the race.
Stella, who spends her days as a student at a local college, is also known for using makeup to her advantage. She'll often paint a glittery star over one eye, a maneuver that, combined with the smile on her face, is deceptive. "I look all glitter and sweet and sparkly, but then I'll knock the shit out of you," she says. We certainly wouldn't fuck with her.
The fishnets are a ubiquitous feature across all roller leagues. We're guessing it's an underground criterion for the uniform, and Stella confirms, "It's mostly a nod to punk-rock culture. It's become the standard." The more holes the better.