Get Your (Shoe)Shine On

Who doesn't envy the well-appointed, those polished people who always manage to look shiny from the tip of their slicked scalps all the way down to their buffed brogans?

Don't get mad...get even.

If better grooming is still on your list of "must-do's" for 2002, get thee to the shoeshine stand. Service. Pampering. Conversation and attention. Who could ask for anything more?

These intangibles make shoe-stands the urban equivalent of a budget spa. But instead of dim lighting and terry robes, you get televisions blaring, flyspecked mottos taped to wood-paneled walls, and clocks that run fast, slow or not at all. And it's not just for boys--as long as you dames are daring enough to brave the pinup calendars and barbershop atmosphere. It's worth it. There is no quicker shortcut to a clean look in the city.

Don't be fooled by the humble profile--shoeshine stands radiate the soothing intimacy and earnestness of a shrine. Don't your shoes deserve a little worship?

Drop your dogs down at these three pedal pushers:

The Old Portland Tonsorial Parlor

426 SW Broadway, 243-7891

Hours: 9 am-6 pm Monday-Friday, 10 am-4 pm Saturday

Damage: $5 for regular shine, $7 for golf shoes, $8 for boots (depending on length)

Your host: Milt

Clock: 5 minutes slow

On TV: Perry Mason (art forgery episode, a real nail-biter!)

Vibe: This oasis of masculine calm is tucked next door to the Hotel Vintage Plaza. A cigar case, oak-fitted barber chairs and jadeite green sinks freeze the place in the '40s, when men were men and shoes came in brown or black.

Wall motto: "It Pays to Look Well."

Sparkles Shoe Shine and Leather Care

U.S. Bancorp Tower, 555 SW Oak St.

Hours: 11 am-4 pm Monday-Friday

Damage: $5 for shine. You can leave your shoes.

Your host: Doc Burris

Clock: 1 hour fast

On TV: People's Court (a couple fighting over rotting garbage)

Vibe: Cozy chaos and tough love. Doc's nook in the bustling Bancorp lobby is cram-jammed with pictures of Ali and Bo Diddley, old B.B. King tapes and back issues of O (Oprah's feel-good mag). A man in the neighboring shoestand might spend his 15 minutes of service shouting into his cell phone. Doc might disappear up the escalator to chase a woman who mistakenly picked up the wrong shoes. Just wait. He'll get back to you.

Wall mottos: "Nothing Impresses More Than Professionally Shined Shoes." "If You Are Grumpy, Irritable or Mean, There Will Be a $10 Charge Just To Put Up With Your Ass."

Nordstrom

701 SW Broadway, 224-6666, ext. 1095

Hours: 9:30 am-6 pm Monday-Friday, 10 am-3 pm Saturday

Damage: $2.50, $3.50 for boots, $4.50 for golf shoes

Your hosts: Aaron Edgar and Jake Gill

Clock: Stopped

Vibe: You'll find this inconspicuous booth behind a partition to the left of Men's Shoes on Nordy's main floor. A dust-clotted black and gilt cabinet clock stripped of its works is the only shoe parloresque relief from Nordstrom's "future of retail" decor and quiet signage. At $2.50, this is the pauper's polish, but don't think quality suffers. Dreadlocked Aaron does his work with gruff élan--you'll be able to check your coif in that shine in just under 10 minutes.

Miss Mona's Rack, a secondhand clothing store that benefits Danzine, will hold a massive clearance sale that includes live

models.

WWeek 2015