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The gear was still set up at Anna's house from our BBQ house show the night before—the fog had all dissipated but the blue stage light remained on, illuminating the empty beer cans and ridiculous amount of Taco Bell wrappers (Thanks Jordan Tinder). While we waited for the hours to pass before the short drive to Rocky's Dad's pad, we jammed in the living room, Rocky preaching the Easter gospel, over Eric's Bob Seger System inspired blues riffs.
As the lazy California sun began its long, slow retreat from the moon, we piled into the minivan, leaving the quiet neighborhood of Occidental students and entering a world unlike any I've seen before: a small, man-made island 45 minutes South of LA. A place where magical bicycles ride themselves, the limousine chauffeurs sing as well as they drive, and not only is Elvis still alive, he's in a band with Slash and the drummer from KISS, singing metal versions of his own hits.
In Newport Beach on some man made Island there is a huge house that's loads of fun! This fun house belongs to Guy and Grandma Tinder. Let me tell you about it. It was two days after we played with Woods and No Joy in Lost Angeles. Here's a write-up about the show and a pretty great Jim Morrison-esque picture of Eric.
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We had a couple of days off so we all went down to visit the Tinder family. As soon as we rolled up to the house, Guy Tinder was at the ready with two motorized bicycles and a little scooter. We scrambled towards the toys, pushing each other out of the way, all trying to get to the bikes first. Those who got on the bikes rode away in a flurry of YEAH MAMMEOOWWAASS!! Those who were left behind cursed our names.
We toured the island, paying no heed to traffic signs or other motorists. Returning to the house, we were escorted by Rocky's dad to the bar and then upstairs to meet Rocky's grandmother. She is a sweet little lady with a fluffy white Persian cat. We were just about to sit down for a delicious taco dinner when the power went out. We lit some candles and grabbed some flashlights, the casual taco buffet now an intimate candlelit dinner.
Guy had just built himself a gazebo on the waterfront and was excited to show us. We took some drinks with us and all sat around telling lies.
A BOAT RIDE WITH CAPTAIN GUY TINDER: The Tinder household is also home to a boat. A little motor boat, big enough to seat eight or so people. We all hopped in while Guy took the wheel and drove us around the marina. Jordan Tinder smoked his electronic cigarette, Rocky's brother's girlfriend told us about the beauty pageant she was going to host in June and offered Wampire a gig playing it and we listened to Metal Elvis.
METAL ELVIS: The Tinder family just keeps getting better and better. Apparently Rocky's Uncle is an Elvis impersonator in a band. However, this cover band has Slash (Guns and Roses) as a guitar player and Eric Singer (KISS) as a drummer. The Elvis covers that they sing are also metal versions of the classics, equipped with a more modern fake-out intro to each one. Example: what begins as the first heavy riff of "Enter Sandman" turns into the powerhouse metal rendition of "Suspicious Minds." The whole act is somewhere between genius and the psychedelic nightmare of a '70s burner who poured too much acid in his beer.
The power was back on at Casa De Tinder. With the boat docked and us back in the house, we all shuffled into the music room to sing some Karaoke, one of Guy Tinder's favorite pastimes.
THE MUSIC ROOM: There is a giant screen for viewing the lyrics to your favorite songs. There are also lifelike paintings of all the Beatles, Jim Morisson and an excellent portrait of Jordan Tinder (all paintings by Rocky's dad). There are also lasers that, when turned on, fill the room and complete the ultimate party vibe. We all sang. Highlights included Rocky singing "Putting on the Ritz" in the style of Taco, Eric fat-necking "Personal Jesus" and Cyrus and I doing a duet of Beastie Boys' "Fight for your Right to Party."
We were all having a blast singing, but Guy Tinder wanted to cruise. We followed him outside and into a limo. A freakin limo! The band plus Tinder brothers piled in the back with Captain Guy Tinder again at the helm of the vessel, driving around the island. Drinks in hand, we laughed, played, made fun of each other and stood up half out of the sun roof sweet 16 style.
All things must pass, however, and soon it was time to hit the road. Trading the luxury of the spacious limo for a cramped minivan, the bottomless bar for the warm half-filled bottle of bottom shelf rum that had been in the car for days, and the taco feast for taco bell, we were off to another city and another Wampire adventure. Also, can someone please make a reality show about the Tinder family? I would totes watch that shit.
WAMP IN SLO.
PART I
Slow to wake up, groggy and on some random floor of some random house in some random city in California, we started packing up our shit to get back into the cramped minivan. Our destination was an in-store at Boo Boo Records in San Louis Obispo. The show was set up by our friends Shiloe and Tobias: the songwriting duo of Group Hex and Soft Kill.
THE CAR RIDE TO SLO-TOWN: We had a made a sign that said "You Are A Babe" and would slap it against the window as we passed cars, stopped for like 50 seemingly endless smoking breaks, and constantly tried to usurp Rocky from his position of "permanent shotgun." We listened to John Maus, Eric's sweet mixtape (African world music, Abner Jay and some gangster-ass shit) as well as Guidance Counselor's Get Brave record. Western Bacon Cheeseburgers at CJ's were a staple of our diet.
Coming into the sleepy SoCal town, we noticed that all of the street signs, as well as many signs on storefronts, were written in some 'Ye Olde font' somewhere between a Shakespeare festival and Mordor. Jokes were made. The record store people were super nice. They had some beer waiting for us and set up a little stage to elevate Cyrus and his drums. We debated using the fog machine but ultimately decided against it. The audience felt totally random, like people who just heard music from the street and had no idea what was happening but wanted to come in and check it out. The audience consisted of some super excited kids, the Boo Boo employees, Shiloe and Toby and some crazy old man who filmed everything.
MORE WORDS ON THE CRAZY OLD MAN WHO FILMED EVERYTHING: This guy was awesome. He told us he was filming for some kind of TV show but none of us really believed him. Confused by the barrage of sound that is Wampire, throughout the whole show he thought that I was playing a synthesizer, even though I was holding a bass. He also begged for an encore, which we did, and which he filmed 'music video style' consisting of awkward close-ups and different 'camera angles'. We all had a laugh. I think he got a Wampire CD. I also think that the Wamp footage will never leave his home but will provide him endless hours of enjoyment.
After we played, a young teenie bopper confidently approached us for autographs. She wore a crop-top shirt, short shorts and what I'm assuming were her older brothers hand-me-down shoes that were still a size too big. We left the record store and migrated to the pizza place. Dinner was on Toby, for which we are ever grateful. We had a great old time. We all laughed about the last time Wamp was in San Louis Obispo, when Toby in an effort to provide an exciting fog effect, blasted the stage with a fire extinguisher. Needless to say, it did not produce the effect he was looking for. Our pizza party kind of felt like dad taking us out after the big game. Spirits were up and we were excited to get to the farmhouse where our hosts live.
PART II
A short distance out of the downtown area of San Louis Obispo, there is a beautiful place. A place where the grass is greener, where seven dormant volcanoes surround horse stables and grazing cows, where old minor's caves burrow deep into the mountain side, housing old sticks of dynamite ready to blow at any moment, where happy pugs named Tug play with reverse brindle boxers and Chihuahuas. Where you can have a Tug on the trampoline or a Tug in the shower, or a great sleep with a Tug in bed. A place where there is a Jonas Brothers loft; A place where a young Robert Deniro stars in Cruisin' (where he goes undercover in a 1970's gay community to find out and arrest a terrifying serial killer); A place where an old rickety farm is the perfect place for a Group Hex music video, a place where dreams come true.
HEAVY LEATHER: At Tobias and Shiloe's house we re-unloaded all the gear and jammed in the living room. Dark stoner metal riffs, with heavy delay and chorus for days, filled the air. Shiloe, equipped with an electribe and microKorg provided airy ambiance and synthetic lead melodies which cut through the analog warmth of the twin Fender Devilles. We recorded the whole jam and were fully prepared to play all night until the neighbor came banging on the door asking us if we knew what time it was. "Yes, yes I do know what time it is: time for you to shut up" is something that no one said. We toyed with the idea of continuing the jam but with everyone wearing in-ear monitors. Instead we just listened to our recording. Later in the evening when we watched Cruisin' with Robert Deniro there was a gay porn magazine in the movie titled Heavy Leather. We all agreed that this would be a great name for our one-night band. Heavy Leather (members of Soft Kill, Wampire, Kotten-Dik, Prescription Pills, Forest Park, Group Hex blah blah blah blah blah).
HIKING WITH SHILOE: With nothing to do for the day, and in much need of some exercise (see: Western Bacon Cheeseburgers at CJ's were a staple of our diet) we decided to hike up into the countryside. It was beautiful. We had happy dogs running around our feet the whole time, we saw cows and horses and bright blue birds. We walked by a huge snake which none of us noticed until Shiloe screamed out FUCK! We went down into a pitch black cave. We saw a dead rat, perfectly intact and complete with fur. It looked like taxidermy, perhaps it died of old age.
When Toby was off work we met up with him and his family at a Mediterranean restaurant, ate their leftovers, hugged our goodbye's and hit the road. Hopefully, we will get a chance to rival their hospitality the next time that they come up to Portland.
EPILOGUE
We also played some shows in some places and they were really great and we all had a good time and played real well. Ask us sometime and we'll tell you all about it.
WWeek 2015