WWeed Grow Off Week 10

But who will save the children?

On July 1, recreational weed became legal in Oregon. One of the things that means is that everyone can now legally grow up to four marijuana plants. Here at Willamette Week, we were so excited that we decided to have an old-fashioned office grow-off. All of our plants started the same size and they are all the P-91 strain, but each department elected to grow its plants in different ways.

See previous installments of our weed growing journey here


What Freudian psychoanalysts say about children applies to pot plants, too: keep 'em happy when they're kids and they won't be blood thirsty sociopathic sexual deviants as adults. Well, actually, that applies more to the kids part, I guess. But you get the point. 

When cannabis plants get stressed due to temperature, water conditions, light conditions, or if physical harm comes to the plant, the plant may turn hermaphrodite. This will cause the final bud to be full of seeds, less dense, and generally be of lower quality. Keeping away as much adversity as possible is the name of the game for any grower. 

Some departments have done better than others in this regard: 

Candis:

We here in Arts and Culture are proud that Candis has never wanted for anything. That being said, she hasn't asked for much, either. Up in her perfect solitude on the roof, she has all the light she needs. And judging by the amount of times my fellow interns and I have scrambled up that shaking wooden deathtrap ladder with a full watering jug, we've kept her as hydrated as could be reasonably expected. While she's not the tallest or biggest plant, she has dense, compact foliage with deep color. I did, however, find on her leaves a brown marmorated stink bug. Although it's unclear if these bugs actually eat cannabis, I dispatched the interloper with the sole of my shoe.

Oscar:

What adversity has Oscar not faced? His tiny size, malformed leaves, and early flowering are signs that Oscar has lived a rough life. There's a high probability that Oscar's small amount of light is causing many of his problems. His only light sources in the gloomy Art department are the skylight far above, the intermittent glow of mostly unused ceiling halogens, and whatever he can glean from the designers' iMac screens. Once the art department folks go home for the day, Oscar gets an extended dark period. However, there also may be issues of watering, pot size, and drainage. The pressure never lets up for poor Oscar. 

Reggie:

Located on the landing at the top of the stairs in the WW offices, Reggie is in a position to receive constant light. News intern Coby told me he thinks the grow light is left on 24 hours a day. Do you have children, Coby? Do you let them turn their lights off at night, or you go all Clockwork Orange on them and hold their eyelids open? If it's true that the grow light never goes off, it would explain the emergence of the strange three-pronged leaves which have taken over Reggie's canopy. When cannabis plants have inconsistent lighting, they don't go through the usual vegetation production/flower production phases. Any light that falls outside Reggie's normal cycle would throw Reggie right back into a vegetation phase. 

Addi:

Like children, cannabis plants need consistency of routine. Addi's lighting is timed, her water consistent, her air circulated constantly by a small fan. Life is perfect for Addi and because of this she has engulfed even Gregg Oden in her sprawling limbs. But it's difficult to feel much enthusiasm for someone for whom things have gone well. Yeah, it's easier to get your homework done when you have food in the refrigerator and you aren't afraid of your dad coming home on another vodka bender. Congratulations, Addi. 

Liz: 

Liz's helicopter parents have made things easy for her, but they've also thrown vast sums of money into making her what she is. She's the child star. The prodigy. But as with other child stars, there may be trouble on the horizon. Some of Liz's leaves are turning purple, others slightly yellow. While this could be a genetic feature, this also could be the result of a chemical deficiency. If other plants in the office start turning purple, we will have our answer. Until then, I'm predicting we have the next Macaulay Culkin on our hands. 

Bootsy:

Bootsy is the recipient of the most extreme trauma this week. Possibly the result of overextension, Bootsy's two largest branches have broken over, no longer capable of supporting their load of leaves. This alone could throw Bootsy into hermaphroditism, as this great mechanical stress will have a serious impact on her photosynthesis. In spite of her broken limbs, though, Bootsy is keeping her spirits high. She's an inspiration to us all. 

WWeek 2015

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