927 SE Morrison St., 503-231-1606, sassysbar.com. 10:30 am-7 pm daily.
Sassy's is one of the few strip bars in Portland where everything is good. The dancers are pro—and they pretty much run the place—the steak is actually decent, the back patio is relaxing, and the beers on tap are voluminous, good and a boggling $2.50 before 7 pm. That's $2.50 Boneyard, $2.50 Breakside, $2.50 whatever. While Portlanders love to brag about the quality of our craft beer at their strip clubs, there's really only one strip club tap list that can hang with an actual good beer bar. And that's Sassy's.
9939 SE Stark St., 503-256-0527. 10:30 am-5 pm daily.
The residents of Gateway always end up drinking at strip clubs. And why wouldn't you? At the friendliest lowdown strip dive in East Portland, the daytime dancers might occupy only one of the three stages, it's true, and only some of the time. But Club 205 might just have the cheapest all-round happy hour in all of Portland: $1.50 domestics and $1.50 wells. That leaves you plenty of money to tip.
9950 SE Stark St., 503-477-9523, mysticpdx.com. 11 am-6 pm daily.
No, seriously: strip clubs near Mall 205 don't obey ordinary laws of economics during the daytime. Not to be outdone by the $1.50 well drinks till 5 pm across the street, Mystic (along with neighboring Falco's Pub, which cooks up the $5 steak specials) offers $1.50 well drinks till 6 pm. Beat that, Club 205! That said, domestic beers cost a whopping $2. Ridiculous. Who would pay $2 for a Bud?
5305 SE Foster Road, 503-774-4513, devilspoint.net. 11 am-7 pm daily.
Devils Point is home to dancers with near-Cirque-level skills on the pole and a museum-caliber dedication to the art on their bodies—and briefly, during their famed Sunday Stripparaoke, it was home to Dave Chappelle on the mic. But during the all-day happy hour, it's fueled mostly by video poker, pinball wizards, pool sharks and $2.50 well drinks, not to mention $3 craft beers.
Lucky Devil Lounge
633 SE Powell Blvd., 503-206-7350, luckydevillounge.com. 11 am-7 pm daily.
Lucky Devil, at the eastside business end of the Ross Island Bridge, is home to probably the finest strip-club patio in Portland—all the better to suck down $3 wells and drafts with a $4 happy-hour quarter-pounder.
5021 SE Powell Blvd., 503-772-2907, dv8.cc. 2-7 pm daily.
DV8's pool table and bar are always occupied. Part of the reason? Well drinks are $2.50 till 7 pm, alongside $2.50 Bud Lite. But it's also an oddly friendly bar to while away the afternoon—a low-key neighborhood hang that just so happens to sometimes involve friendly nudity, with a brew made by a "secret brewery" themed for the bar. But that one, like the other craft beers, is $3.25, slightly more than the $3 rum-and-Coke special that's all day, every day.