It's probably time to take down the Bernie signs.
America is now just two weeks away from the Donald Trump presidency. We need to get serious. To organize, donate, activate and finally let go of our dreams of a socialist utopia.
This year, as we were planning our health and fitness issue, we couldn't ignore the looming public health crisis of the Trump administration. And so we dedicated this issue to preparing Portland for the 1,461 days to follow the Trumpocalpyse.
First thing's first: Calm down! We don't blame you if you've been hyperventilating for two months, but you need to unclench, and we've got you covered. Maybe that involves some meditation? One of our writers spent 10 days in complete and total silence to improve his technique. If you're into yoga but worried that it's cultural appropriation? Well, you can relax a little, because we talked to local experts who say you can pose in peace. Maybe you'd benefit from some anxiety-busting herbs? It's time to bust out the adaptogens. And if none of that works, we've got an introduction to ASMR videos, which induce euphoria via YouTube.
But we also need to be ready to fight. Because we realized we need to build community while we build our muscles, we tried five different group fitness classes across the city, and found that it's much more rewarding than lifting alone. You might need to use those muscles to protect yourself from rapists, racists and racist rapists, so we attended a women's self-defense class and learned how to knee a grabber right square in the balls. Because it seems there are things more important than food but we still want to eat healthfully, we tested the new wave of nutritionally complete omnifoods. And since it really does feel like this apple cart could flip at any moment, we have included a primer on building a disaster preparedness kit using local products.
In just a few days, President Obama will be working the lecture circuit, and the nuclear football will be in the hands of a madman. With discipline, sweat and a little luck, we can survive this. Here's how to start.