Introducing WW’s New Lady Things Columnist: Crystal Contreras

Aside from the obvious coverage of the slow, fiery crash that is the presidency of Donald Trump, here's a rundown of some other topics I might talk about and a few words on each.

Last month I wrote a story about burritos that made some people really mad at me, but apparently I pissed off the right people because the kind folks at the Willamette Week have asked me to come back and give you more of my opinions each week in column form. This is a little terrifying for me because I'm an Aquarius and we can be kind of guarded, but I'm also really excited because I'm an Aquarius and would never pass up a chance to tell people what I think about something.

Since the burrito incident last month, I've moved on from cultural critiques about portable Mexican food to a broader range of issues that don't involve determining what kinds of things white people can cook. Some of the topics I discuss will be serious. Some will not be. So aside from the obvious coverage of the slow, fiery crash that is the presidency of Donald Trump, here's a rundown of some other topics I might talk about and a few words on each.


Ah yes, the f-bomb. I'm looking forward to all the self-righteous indignation my Feminist Opinions might bring forth, so let's hit the ground running, shall we? The Fearless Girl statue isn't feminism, it's a sexist marketing tool from a Wall Street hedge fund to promote gender diversity among the people gambling away pensions, because when your dad's retirement disappears, it'll be very important to know a woman was involved. I felt nothing when it was unveiled, and I felt nothing when that angry guy put a sculpture of a peeing dog at the girl statue's feet. Well, that's not entirely true, I laughed for a second because I thought it was hilarious. The only thing funnier was the fact that a man got so mad at a soulless corporate feminist symbol that he rage-sculpted a shitty little pug taking a piss.

Pop Culture

It's easier if I just list the programs I currently watch: Fargo, Silicon Valley, The Walking Dead, Bob's Burgers, The Handmaid's Tale, Master of None, American Horror Story and ELeague. I don't watch Game of Thrones because I'm on Twitter, so I know what happens in the show each week and I don't really have the time to watch all sixty episodes. I've been a big horror fan ever since I was five years old and my mom took me to see Pet Sematary, so I've already got some scary stuff in the works that I'm very excited to share with you.

Race and Racism

We live in Portland so this is one I really can't avoid, whether it's a white dude trying to hand me his dirty dishes while I'm waiting in line to order food, the street battles between antifa and the white supremacist alt-right or the rising level of hate crimes, this city provides a never ending buffet of racist stuff to talk about. One of the most diverse things about Portland is its racism, which ranges from white ladies commenting on your skin color to full blown Klansman. Don't worry though, Portland, you're not the whitest place I've ever lived. I spent three years of my life in Boulder, Colorado, which is basically the Gwyneth Paltrow of cities.


I have my degree in history, and just so I don't feel like I went to college for nothing, every once in a while I'm going to talk about things that happened a long time ago and their connection to current events. Like how this June marked the 63rd anniversary of the beginning of Operation Wetback, a massive deportation program where over a million workers were apprehended in the first year alone. Border patrol agents targeted people while they accessed social services, something we've been seeing more of here in Portland since the election of Donald Trump, who praised the program during the November 2015 Republican presidential debate in Milwaukee. He didn't call it "Operation Wetback" then, but it probably wouldn't have mattered if he did.

Harry Potter

Might as well get this out of the way now. I've never read any of the Harry Potter books and I haven't seen any of the movies since the one with the bathroom snake. I don't care if adults like Harry Potter, I just want to be clear that I missed the pegasus-drawn carriage on that one and won't be speculating on who the janitor wizard is dating or recapping any fantasy quidditch league tournaments.

Of course this list isn't exhaustive because I've been known to have opinions on things anytime and anyplace. I'm even making opinions on things right now as you read this. Opinions I'll soon be sharing with you, so stay tuned.

Lady Things was originally started by and formerly written by Lizzy Acker. You can check out those columns here

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