Love may mean never having to say you're sorry, but you're damn sure to be apologizing if you don't at least acknowledge this holiday of schmaltz. Luckily, Portland's restaurants, clubs and performers have a multitude of ways to help you spread the sexy around. Remember, love is fleeting and so are dinner reservations. Make sure to call to nab a table.
FOOD & DRINKV-Day at Departure
Departure deploys the four-course Japanese culinary tradition of kaiseki—sushi or sashimi, salmon or Piedmontese tenderloin and ending with goods like a Vietnamese coffee and dark chocolate tart with candied kumquats. Departure, 525 SW Morrison St., 802-5370. 4 pm-2 am Friday and Saturday, Feb. 11-12, 4 pm-midnight Monday, Feb. 14. $60.
V-Day at Andina
Andina's Doris Platt de Rodriguez says her Peruvian restaurant's Table 25 has a long history of marriage proposals and other romantic encounters. "Every table at Andina will have the same good omen as Table 25 [tonight]," she promises. To sweeten this deal, suspiro de limeña, a meringue-topped custard, will be served for dessert along with a half bottle of Champagne for each guest. Andina, 1214 NW Glisan St., 228-9535. 5-10:30 pm Monday, Feb. 14. $75 or more based on choice of wine.
Chocolat, Chocolate and Dinner at the Heathman
The Heathman hosts two screenings of Chocolat—that classic Frenchie chick flick starring a dude who looks better than your boyfriend—plus a five-course tasting menu that's heavy on meat and cocoa. That's great if your after-dinner plans involve bloating and bedtime. The Heathman, 1001 SW Broadway Ave., 241-4100. 6:30 pm Saturday and Monday Feb. 12 & 14. $75, not including beverages or gratuity.
V-Day Dinner at Lincoln
Owner/chef and 2010 James Beard nominee Jenn Louis provides an earthy, three-course menu for the couple who equates good food with sex. Lincoln, 3808 N Williams, 288-6200. Dinner hours Monday, Feb. 14. $50 per person excluding drinks and gratuity.
Honeymoon Dinner at Metrovino
The newly married foodies of Metrovino—executive chef Greg Denton and his chef de cuisine, Gabrielle Quiñónez Denton—share the love in the form of special dishes like baked oysters with absinthe and bacon bread crumbs, and grilled Chateaubriand for two. Metrovino, 1139 NW 11th Ave., 517-7778. Dinner hours Saturday-Monday, Feb. 12-14. Regular menu prices.
V-Day Dinner at Salty's
Salty's is promising 4-foot fountains spouting chocolate at each table, with strawberries waiting to take a dip. Be sure to get there early to sample select wines in the lobby before dinner. If oenology ain't your thing, maybe the "Pheromone-Tini" (Chambord raspberry vodka, Absolut Mandarin, triple sec) is. Salty's, 3839 NE Marine Drive, 288-4444. Dinner hours Monday, Feb. 14. About $50-$70 for three-course dinners.
V-Day Dinner at Beast
Beast knows your lady doesn't want to feel like a beast after the check is dropped. That's why it's featuring a light four-course meal where you can drink your weight in five cycles of wine—"better for the post-meal lovin'..." they helpfully mention. Beast, 425 NE 30th Ave., 841-6968. 6 or 8:45 pm Monday, Feb. 14. $100. Reserve seats at beastpdx.com.
Sitar Music and Dinner at East India Co.
Listen to the rhythmic string pluckings of Josh Feinberg while chowing on hazelnut-stuffed chicken and rosemary naan from an inexpensive menu built for two. East India Co., 821 SW 11th Ave., 227-8815. Dinner hours Monday, Feb. 14. $65 per couple.
V-Day at Pix Pâtisserie
Aside from shoving a pair of diamond stud earrings in a lucky box of chocolates at both locations on Monday, Feb. 14, Pix urges Portlanders to tack anonymous love letters on the walls of its shops. Count the "I never told yous" and "I've loved you forevers" during tea time on V-Day eve, which comes complete with heart-shaped French macarons, oysters on the half shell and a bottle of Champagne. Pix Patisserie—North, 901 N Williams Ave., 282-6539. 11 am-4 pm Sunday, Feb. 13. $60-$100 per couple.
V-Day Dinner at Yakuza
Forget the fact Yakuza is beating the holiday horse with five courses inspired by the color red. It's hard to hate on blood-orange scallop ceviche and braised pork cheeks with chèvre, ancho chile oil and cauliflower puree—or the sleek Japanese bar's wine and sake pairings. Yakuza, 5411 NE 30th Ave., 450-0893. 5:30 and 8 pm Monday, Feb. 14. $50, $75 with sake/wine pairings.
V-Day Dinner at the Country Cat
True love smells like cast-iron-skillet-fried chicken, molasses and hickory smoked duck legs, whole hog plates and Texas toast. The Country Cat, 7937 SE Stark St., 408-1414. Dinner hours Monday, Feb. 14. Regular menu prices.
V-Day Dinner at Nostrana
This Italian lover celebrates V-Day with a three-course prix fixe menu featuring Dungeness crab bruschetta, oxtail stew and winter squash gnocchi. Nostrana, 1401 SE Morrison St., 234-2427. Dinner hours Monday, Feb. 14. $50.
Belly pours some special cocktails (the Jim Beam Manhattan is dubbed "Barry White's Mix") to lubricate three courses involving sweetbreads, pork cheeks and a dark chocolate tart with peanut-butter mousse. Belly, 3500 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 249-9764. Dinner hours Monday, Feb. 14. $49.
V-Day Dinner at London Grill
London Grill reads our minds with 28 days of Valentine's dinners at the classy price of $69. We're talkin' butter-poached lobster tails, prime rib and chocolate baked Alaska. The London Grill at The Benson Hotel, 309 SW Broadway, 227-8794. Dinner hours through Monday, Feb. 28. $69.
V-Day Dinners at Fenouil
Chef Jake Martin of Fenouil creates two separate five-course menus so meat lovers and meat haters can eat together in harmony. Think heirloom beets vs. roasted duck breast; tortellini with shaved Oregon truffle battling a natural shoulder tenderloin. Everybody will probably love the Guanaja chocolate torte. Fenouil, 900 NW 11th Ave., 525-2225. Dinner hours Monday, Feb. 14. $65 per person, $40 extra for wine.
Din Din Valentine's Dinners
The art/design collaborative the Art Department pairs up with the Din Din catering crew to bring a long weekend of sexy, wine-soaked courses (with more wine to pair). Think foie gras with candied kumquat, mussels and treviso, and Armagnac truffles. The Art Department, 1315 SE 9th Ave. 7:30 pm Saturday-Monday, Feb. 12-14. $75. Info and reservations at 971-544-1350 or firstname.lastname@example.org.
Blood and Sand at Suzette Creperie
Watch Blood and Sand (that'd be Rudolph Valentino's silent film about a love triangle involving a bullfighter, not the softcore gladiator-porn TV show), while dining on bacon-stuffed gougeres and bay scallop crêpes for a price so cheap you could bring two dates. Suzette Creperie, 2921 NE Alberta St., 473-8657. 6 pm Monday, Feb. 14. $20.
In elementary school, I gave Disney-themed valentines to everyone in my second-grade class except the dude I was crushing on (it was too personal). Then, I sat back and watched as he hand-delivered a glitter-glue heart made from red construction paper to that blond bitch who sat next to me. It was agonizing. Maybe the crew behind Mortified Portland (who rehash awkward adolescent writings onstage) have some stories that can match the pain, if only for a few hours. Mission Theatre, 1624 NW Glisan St., 223-4527. Doors 6 pm, show 8 pm Thursday-Friday, Feb. 10-11. $12. Order online at getmortified.com.
A live tribute to Charlie Chaplin's The Circus with a four-course meal and performances by Tommy Twimble, Kazum, AWOL Dance and others. Bossanova Ballroom, 722 E Burnside St., wanderlustcircus.com. 6 and 9 pm Monday, Feb. 14. $75-$400.
Tasha Miller at Jimmy Mak's
Tasha Miller is some combination of artist and sorceress (she plans to "woo you with wholesome love, golden tones, a silver lining"). Whatever she is, if you're interested in seeing her perform live jazz, she'll be the thing in front of the band and dressed in plenty of fancy red velvet. Jimmy Mak's, 221 NW 19th Ave., 295-6542. 8-11 pm Monday, Feb. 14. $10.
Angie Foster at the White Eagle
Angie Foster sings songs from current and past releases, and speaks openly about her many unsuccessful attempts at pregnancy. She is currently seven months' pregnant with twins. The show, called "I Love You, I Hate You," is inspired by the holiday. This is really happening. White Eagle Saloon, 836 N Russell St., 282-6810. 9:30 pm Saturday, Feb. 12. $6 at the door.
20 Erotic Shorts
The Working Theatre Collective presents 20 short plays on erotic themes by local writers. Eff Space, 333 NE Hancock St., Studio 14. 893-9075. 8 pm Feb. 10-14 and 17-20. $10-$15 sliding scale.
I Heart Improv V-Day Improv Special
Improv comedy inspired by love, romance, dating and assorted disasters. Brody Theater, 16 NW Broadway, 224-2227. 7 pm. $15.
Portland Story Theater spins tales of love and sex. Wine and chocolate are included. Hipbone Studio, 1847 E Burnside St., 793-5484. 8 pm Friday-Saturday, 2 and 7 pm Sunday, Feb. 11-13. $15.
OTHER PERVERSIONSValentine's Makeovers at Mabel & Zora
If you think the reason you don't have a Valentine this year has to do with your face, let the experts (Inspire Style, Fada Salon, Event Cosmetics) try and fix that for you. Champagne and cupcakes will be served during the beauty bash, and Mabel & Zora will offer 15 percent off purchases. Mabel & Zora, 748 NW 11th Ave., 241-5696. 3-8 pm Thursday, Feb. 10. Free.
Find more out-of-the-box local V-Day events and offerings here.