Welcome back to Lady Things! Since the countdown to Halloween is in full swing, I thought we'd take a moment to speculate about what might happen if Donald Trump and the other stars of his current horror show faced off against some of the more famous ghouls from television and film. Think: a monster showdown sort of thing á la Freddy vs. Jason or Alien vs. Predator.
Now keep in mind the battles between each Trump lackey and their counterparts are purely speculation because only half of these monsters are real, that being said, I'm going to leave it up to you to figure out which ones. Insert Vincent Price laugh here.
Jeff Sessions vs The Creeper, from Jeepers Creepers
With his leathery talons, piercing howl and ability to come back every thirty years or so, we think Jeff Sessions could give The Creeper a run for his money. Although Sessions may elude The Creeper by recusing himself from the fight, as far as we know Sessions isn't immortal, and might only have one or two thirty year cycles left in him, tops. It's really just a waiting game at this point. The Creeper wins this one. Eventually.
Jared Kushner vs Dandy Mott, from "American Horror Story: Freak Show"
Now this one is going to be really tricky because I thought they were the same person up until I Googled them while doing research for this column. They both wear typical rich people type clothing, have perfectly coiffed hair and are sickeningly wealthy, so they know a lot of each other's moves. However, this Mortal Kombat Mirror Match ends in a draw when they simultaneously knock each other out with bottles of Dom Pérignon.
Steve Bannon vs The Graboids, from Tremors
Although he may not be able to outrun the killer snakes, after hearing what happened to his jacuzzi, I'm convinced Bannon has the ability to spit green acid that he keeps stored in a hidden dewlap. He may have a chance if he can camp out on some rocks and hold the Graboids off until Reba McEntire shows up with her guns and giant truck, but she's too busy having a fulfilling career so she forgets about Stan Bantam, or whatever his name is, out on that rock in the middle of nowhere, Nevada. The snakes win.
Trump vs Leatherface, from Texas Chainsaw Massacre
If you think his creepy, cannibalistic extended family would make Trump an even match for Texas' own chainsaw-wielding madman, then you're totally right. After stumbling into Leatherface's butcher shop, Trump immediately makes himself at home amongst the carnage and manages to convince the Sawyer Family to sell their properties, including the gas station, allowing them to turn a profit and upgrade their operation. It was one of the few successful business deals Trump has ever made, and the Sawyer's still send him a gift basket every Christmas as a token of their appreciation. This one's a draw.
Ivanka vs Samara Morgan, from The Ring
After posing in an evening gown during the travel ban back in January, Ivanka has perfected a cruelty so cold that it's manifested into an email from a private account. If you see that email, you have seven days to switch out your entire wardrobe for stuff from Ivanka's line, or else you die with your face contorted into a tight, forced smile. After opening the email, Samara knew that nobody would take her seriously if she crawled out of their TV wearing some Tom's knockoffs covered in gold foil and hemp, so she retreats into the black nothing from whence she came. Ivanka wins.
I could do ten more of these, but I won't. See you next week. Uh, insert more Vincent Price laughter here.